Month: July 2018

Body Love

My diet is getting harder and harder, although I am still pushing along. But one thing I’ve noticed is how much self love I have and body positivity. I think I look beautiful at this slimmer weight. I am curvy and happy even if I am chubby, and I like myself. I like what I see in the mirror. But when I weighed more I still liked myself and liked what I saw in the mirror. I simply didn’t like the fact that some dresses didn’t fit and it was getting harder to shop. But I have always loved my body and been okay with whatever weight I am at. And I actually think that makes dieting easier for me. I’m not trying to learn to love myself. There’s no pressure because I already do. And I don’t have emotions of guilt if I go over my calorie limit because I know that I am fine either way. I just try to stay strict to meet my goals, not because I feel less than worthy if I fail.

My husband has been happy with me at every weight that I have been since we have gotten married, and I have fluctuated wildly. If my husband is happy with me, then I am happy with me. The important thing is looking good for yourself and your spouse.

And of course as a woman I am supposed to be in competition with other women. But I’m really just not. If another woman looks good, and I think women of all shapes and sizes can look good, that I just appreciate the beauty and move on with my day. I don’t compare myself. And if I don’t think she looks good I don’t judge her, realizing that someone else will think that she looks gorgeous. I’m gorgeous and she’s gorgeous. But who’s going to recognize that in either one of us is a matter of personal taste.

I don’t compete with anyone. I am me, take it or leave it. Fat or thin. Or chubby, as is the case right now. I feel confident and happy with myself. I try to take care of myself and look good, but I am not concerned with the judgment of others. I just want to be happy and to look good for my husband, and I have been very lucky that he always thinks I am beautiful.

Further Forays in Acrylics

These were my next attempts at painting. I like the top one better than the bottom. The top one was created on a canvas panel and the bottom one was created on a small artist trading card. I’ve now used all the panels that I bought so I’m going to have to try to use some artist trading cards to get through for a while and give me some practice on a miniature scale. I do plan to go back to the art store soon though, and pick up some pearlescent pigments and high flow acrylics and some more panels. But I’ve always wanted to make little artist trading cards and I guess this is my chance. The one below did not turn out spectacular. I feel like I could have done more with it. Maybe I will once the paint is dry.

My Favorite Abstract Painting

When Craig and I went to the art museum here in Colorado Springs, this was my favorite painting. There were many works of art there I loved. There was a 3D exhibit with all these tiny claymation creatures and an accompanying video that I really loved too. But of the paintings this was my favorite.

I love abstract painting. I love it when everything is about color and texture. That’s why I’m trying to learn to do it. It’s therapeutic of course, but I’d also like to create really cool images from colorful paints and textured substrates. Some people think of that as a cheap cop out because I’m not really somebody who can learn to paint tree that looks like a tree. But to make a good abstract painting requires every bit as much skill as a realist painting. It’s just very different. I’m sure I’ll never be as good as this and I will also never work on such a grand scale. I probably can’t forward to! But I love working on a small scale and I am really enjoying learning to paint. But I treasure this photograph because it’s a picture of me with something that I really fell in love with.

The Brutal Magic of Winter

I am enjoying my summer. Summer in Colorado is so much better than summer on the Southeast coast. But sometimes I find myself thinking about Autumn, which is my favorite season. And sometimes after that Winter.

There is something so soul-stirring about winter. And something very intellectual about it too. Maybe it’s because you have to stay inside so much and use your imagination in your own little world. There’s nothing better to do on a nice cold day than to stay inside by the fire and read a book. Of course I’m the sort of person who always says there’s nothing better than sit and read a book. But I think winter forces you to search your velvet insides, or maybe yours is steel, and really locate your real name.

Of course winter is beautiful too. The Stark tree branches against the brooding gray sky. The frost that makes everything glitter.

And the extreme seasons, summer and winter, make us feel grateful. In the summer you become grateful for the cold. You learn to love it and to appreciate it whenever you can get it. Of course in the winter everybody complains about the cold, but then you develop an appreciation of heat.

This winter will be my first winter in Colorado, so I’ll see how I like winter here. But I suspect I will feel right at home.

Shopping, Books, Creativity

Today I went shopping for regular size clothes. I got to go shopping at Macy’s briefly with my mother and I found a dress that day that fit, so I hoped I could do a whole shopping trip and find clothes in the regular Department that fit me. I went to dressbarn, tried on about 15 dresses, and all of them except for one fit, and that one didn’t fit over my bust. I was wearing 14s and 16s. Then I went over to Marshalls next door and I found Calvin Klein dresses in size 14 and size large. They all fit me and they look great on me! I am so happy! I have a long way to go but it feels so good to finally be able to shop in the regular sections of the department stores. There’s so much more to pick from and it’s so much more flattering. I am trying not to spend too much money on clothing since I’m hoping to keep losing weight and I don’t want to run out and spend hundreds of dollars only to have the clothes not fit in 2 months. Plus, having too much clothing stresses me out. It’s just too much laundry and too much organizing, so anything that cannot fit in the three drawers that are mine in the chest of drawers does not get kept. So in order to keep these dresses I’m getting rid of some of the other ones that don’t fit. I’m going to keep one or two to paint in since I don’t want to ruin these nice dresses, but some other stuff has to go.

I have been reading everywhere lately. I’m still working my way through the wonderful new books that arrived while I was in Virginia. And on top of that I have been downloading books on Google Play books and on Kindle and reading those too. I am even getting into some contemporary fiction, which I almost never do. One of the books I’m currently reading is very surreal and it’s about being a woman and about the body. There’s one very creepy story in there about a woman with a green ribbon around her neck. And I’m finding books about painting and books about walking in faith and Christian women throughout history. So much good stuff. And of course, poetry as always. The white piano is really good. I keep going back to that one. And I am absolutely drowning in sci-fi and horror to read. It’s such a pleasure!

Many of the books that I like to read cannot be bought for an e-reader or phone. Most poetry only comes in book format. But for the books I’m finding online that do come in an e-reader format, I’m debating downloading more often than ordering a physical book. I will always prefer the wonderful weight of a book in my hands and the fresh smell of the paper, and I will never stop ordering flesh and Bone books. But at least sometimes it might be a good idea to get digital copies because our library is filling up so fast. Truthfully it’s already overflowing. Craig and I own so many books. The library spills into rooms and pretty soon, and fax now since we have so many books to resell to get digital copies because our library is filling up so fast. Truthfully it’s already overflowing. Craig and I own so many books. The library spills into rooms and pretty soon, and fax now since we have so many books to shelve that are new, we need more bookshelves. Plus there’s something nice about having at least some of your books be portable and come with you without having to pack anything. That way I can read at the mall or in a parking lot or waiting in line at Taco Bell or anywhere.

Today I tried to do a little bit of schooling with Angelica. The babysitter had already done some with her. Our wonderful babysitter does educational activities every time she comes. But I decided to help Angelica work on the letter b this afternoon. She made some progress but handwriting is slow going. She seems to pick up on the handwriting quicker than she remembers the sounds that the letters make though. For some reason she remembers what sound the letter Z makes and it always makes her happy, but the other letters she doesn’t really remember yet so we’re going to keep working with the flash cards. And I’m going to keep letting her play her little educational games on my phone. Maybe she is like me. I have always adored the letter z.

Her curriculum should be here in the next couple of weeks and then we will get started in earnest.

I am downloading as many textures and creative programs as I can to create little collages and digital pages. The one in this post is one I just made tonight. I borrow the photography from all over and use different frames and filters and borders and textures to create something that describes my mood or something else in my life. I think the one tonight is pretty fitting.

 

Teaching my Daughter to Submit

Yesterday my daughter Angelica pointed to the veil on my head and I asked why I wear it. I hadn’t really intended to address that topic until she was older, but since she asked I decided to go ahead and explain it. I told her that the veil meant that I would obey her daddy and that he would be the leader of our family. It means that my husband is my leader and that I submit to him, meaning that I follow his authority. I told her that one day she will have a husband and it is important to let him be her leader.

I also explained that I wear the Veil out of obedience to God. Wearing a head cover is not just for married women. I headcover out of reverence for God. I also headcover because of the Angels, but I decided not to get into that with her at this age.

This topic may seem a little bit mature for a child who isn’t quite yet 5, but I figured if she is old enough to ask the question then she is old enough to get at least a basic answer to that question. Perhaps it is better to teach her about submission young. I hope she will choose to wear a veil or some sort of head covering. The Bible says that that is what we are supposed to do, and furthermore I have found that wearing one reminds me to be a better wife. But even if she decides, based on her interpretation of scripture, that she does not need to wear a head cover hopefully she will learn lessons from me about submission and letting your husband lead. I want her to learn The importance of being a helpmate, and letting her husband be the leader that God designed him to be. I believe this is biblical. But I also believe this will give her a happier marriage if she understands the difference between the role of a man and the role of woman. Part of my job as her mother is to teach her to be a good wife. I’m not teaching her to be a doormat. But I do want to teach her about submission. Maybe it’s time to start and this was a good first step. She seems interested in wearing a veil herself, so maybe she will pick up on the more important aspects of respecting and honoring her husband as well.

Experimenting with Acrylics

So far my painting journey has been interesting. I’m using different textures and experimenting with different colors, although I only have a few colors so far and need to buy many more. I would like to buy the Golden brand free flowing paint and see what I can do playing with that. I put it back the other day because I didn’t want to spend too much money on a hobby that I might turn out not to like. But so far I’m loving it. Pure color and texture. I want to find more tools and even more textures to work with. I love the abstraction of the images. For me they evoke moods and ideas. I am still a poet at heart and most of this blog will still be my poetry and my daily life. But now that painting is starting to become a part of my daily life I will include some of that too. Feedback is always welcomed.

Dominated by a Day

Tomorrow lies in my bed
As rugged as a coast.
I marvel at the sleepiness of my fist.
Where has my fight gone?
Has it left me for another woman?
A woman with more steel in her back,
a chest of gravel?
Tomorrow hums,
Brawny and blue and wastefully.
I adore extravagance.
He wants to tell me what to do,
I luxuriate in commands.

I am no longer holding my dice.
They burn in the green fire writhing in the corner.
This is not my game.
This is not my life.
It is time to surrender.