I am beginning to not only pray for success with my diet, but to try to actively incorporate God into my process. This morning I ate a delicious snack and then had some lunch that was not healthy but kept me within my calorie limit roughly. And since then I have honestly not been hungry, and I finished that food at 11:30 in the morning. But yet I still been finding myself tempted to eat some of my favorite chips or to get a little bit of Nutella for dessert or to have an ice cream sandwich or to have some wonderful parmesan peppercorn dip.
My diet does not preclude me from eating any of this. I’m going purely on a calorie-counting diet. Within my alloted calories for the day I can eat anything I want. That way I want I’m eating I’m getting food I really enjoy and killing at least some of my cravings. Believe me, I do not have the self-discipline to stick to any other kind of diet. And I believe that food should be enjoyed so when you are eating you should eat something that you like.
But for the past few weeks, basically since I have not been doing well, I have started to crave food even when I am not hungry. I just get cravings for salt and vinegar or for something sweet or for something cheesy. Just now I was in the kitchen and I went to grab some salt and vinegar chips. But then I remembered. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry at all. I haven’t eaten in hours, but when I did eat I ate a pretty good amount and it was food I really liked and I don’t need anything else. So what is it I am really searching for? I mean some of it probably is the food. I really like food. Everybody says that but I really mean it. But part of it must be something else. What goes on in my mind or in my soul that makes me want something that you are supposed to partake of when you are feeling famished? Maybe I am famished, in some other way.
I want to start relying on God a little bit more for my diet. Partly of course for the selfish reason that there is no greater power in the universe than God so if God will help me who or what can stand against me? It seems silly to me now that I’ve been trying so hard to do this successfully, and I haven’t even asked the Lord for help except in passing. I haven’t sought Him out when I am failing. But tonight as I stood in the kitchen I said to myself, out loud, you do not need chips. You are not hungry. You need something else. You are not hungry. And then I asked the Lord to help me. Maybe the Lord can fill me. Maybe he will fill me with self-discipline, or help direct my mind to other things that I can think about and do that will leave me with no mental space for preoccupation with food. It is time to come to my God who loves me and wants to help me. If he doesn’t help me then I’ll know that my answer is no and either I’m in some sort of test where I need to do this without any help, although I feel like I’ve already been in that situation, or that maybe He’s telling me that this is the weight that I’m going to be and that I need to be less focused on getting slim again and more focused on something else. God never fails to answer a prayer. It’s just that sometimes the answer is no. But hopefully I won’t get a no. I need to lose weight not only because I want to be able to buy smaller clothes, but for my health.
I believe that God will help me when I need help and will bring me to whatever weight I should be at. If I practice self-discipline and count my calories, and if I lean on God to help me resist temptation, then my diet will continue to be successful. I need to pray more and talk to God when I feel tempted. I need to keep diving in the Word to keep close to Him and be filled with the Holy Spirit. Having lost about 40 lb, I have already come so far and I do not want to lose the hard won progress I have made. I feel like if I do I may never get back to this point again. I need to keep pushing ahead. I need to remember that like it says in 2nd Peter, men are slaves to which has mastered them. Food will not master me.
Today I went shopping for regular size clothes. I got to go shopping at Macy’s briefly with my mother and I found a dress that day that fit, so I hoped I could do a whole shopping trip and find clothes in the regular Department that fit me. I went to dressbarn, tried on about 15 dresses, and all of them except for one fit, and that one didn’t fit over my bust. I was wearing 14s and 16s. Then I went over to Marshalls next door and I found Calvin Klein dresses in size 14 and size large. They all fit me and they look great on me! I am so happy! I have a long way to go but it feels so good to finally be able to shop in the regular sections of the department stores. There’s so much more to pick from and it’s so much more flattering. I am trying not to spend too much money on clothing since I’m hoping to keep losing weight and I don’t want to run out and spend hundreds of dollars only to have the clothes not fit in 2 months. Plus, having too much clothing stresses me out. It’s just too much laundry and too much organizing, so anything that cannot fit in the three drawers that are mine in the chest of drawers does not get kept. So in order to keep these dresses I’m getting rid of some of the other ones that don’t fit. I’m going to keep one or two to paint in since I don’t want to ruin these nice dresses, but some other stuff has to go.
I have been reading everywhere lately. I’m still working my way through the wonderful new books that arrived while I was in Virginia. And on top of that I have been downloading books on Google Play books and on Kindle and reading those too. I am even getting into some contemporary fiction, which I almost never do. One of the books I’m currently reading is very surreal and it’s about being a woman and about the body. There’s one very creepy story in there about a woman with a green ribbon around her neck. And I’m finding books about painting and books about walking in faith and Christian women throughout history. So much good stuff. And of course, poetry as always. The white piano is really good. I keep going back to that one. And I am absolutely drowning in sci-fi and horror to read. It’s such a pleasure!
Many of the books that I like to read cannot be bought for an e-reader or phone. Most poetry only comes in book format. But for the books I’m finding online that do come in an e-reader format, I’m debating downloading more often than ordering a physical book. I will always prefer the wonderful weight of a book in my hands and the fresh smell of the paper, and I will never stop ordering flesh and Bone books. But at least sometimes it might be a good idea to get digital copies because our library is filling up so fast. Truthfully it’s already overflowing. Craig and I own so many books. The library spills into rooms and pretty soon, and fax now since we have so many books to resell to get digital copies because our library is filling up so fast. Truthfully it’s already overflowing. Craig and I own so many books. The library spills into rooms and pretty soon, and fax now since we have so many books to shelve that are new, we need more bookshelves. Plus there’s something nice about having at least some of your books be portable and come with you without having to pack anything. That way I can read at the mall or in a parking lot or waiting in line at Taco Bell or anywhere.
Today I tried to do a little bit of schooling with Angelica. The babysitter had already done some with her. Our wonderful babysitter does educational activities every time she comes. But I decided to help Angelica work on the letter b this afternoon. She made some progress but handwriting is slow going. She seems to pick up on the handwriting quicker than she remembers the sounds that the letters make though. For some reason she remembers what sound the letter Z makes and it always makes her happy, but the other letters she doesn’t really remember yet so we’re going to keep working with the flash cards. And I’m going to keep letting her play her little educational games on my phone. Maybe she is like me. I have always adored the letter z.
Her curriculum should be here in the next couple of weeks and then we will get started in earnest.
I am downloading as many textures and creative programs as I can to create little collages and digital pages. The one in this post is one I just made tonight. I borrow the photography from all over and use different frames and filters and borders and textures to create something that describes my mood or something else in my life. I think the one tonight is pretty fitting.
Today I worked at the new art studio in my laundry room. I’m now going to try to learn to do abstract painting on top of writing poetry. The more creative outlets the better. But one thing I am secretly hoping to accomplish is to improve my chances of having a successful diet by engaging in as many creative and interesting hobbies as I can. I sort of fell out of the habit of my diet while I was with my parents. I still stayed pretty strict and I didn’t gain any weight, but I didn’t lose very much weight either even though I was there for 2 weeks. I had been making tremendous progress in two week periods. But I got out of routine and now I’m hungry again and having to learn to deal with that. But I’ve really enjoyed seeing my progress as I have gotten Slimmer and I don’t want to lose that progress. So maybe what I need something to replace food. Something to focus my mind on when food isn’t a possibility. Sometimes I write, but if you’re too preoccupied by a given subject sometimes you end up writing about it, which isn’t helpful in this case. I read, which definitely helps. But maybe I need something more. Something I can do with my hands and get involved with. It’s not why I’m starting to paint. But I am hoping it will be an added benefit.
There is a common misconception out there that fat people are depressed and miserable. It simply isn’t true. The happiest years of my life have been the fattest. However, when you reach the point where you want to lose weight it is good to have as many good things in your life as possible to distract you from eating. A loving family and a beautiful home certainly help, but they don’t distract you from putting food in your mouth. In fact you’re more likely to end up eating when you’re hanging out with your family. But having things to do can be a distraction and can add greater fulfillment. I’ve never been an emotional eater, but I probably am more likely to eat more if I am bored. I never feel bored but sometimes I feel less than stimulated than others and maybe it’s good to have some sort of outlet and some goals. Rather than focusing on what I am not doing, eating, I need to focus on something that I am doing. I think getting back on track my productivity planner once Craig goes back to work will also help with this. But I need to be strict to get back into good habits. And who knows. Maybe having a new creative outlet will improve my chances.
I am down almost 10 lb in 2 weeks. My wedding and engagement rings have actually gotten looser and fit a lot better. They were too tight before. I was wearing them, I always wear them, but they were really tight. So far I can’t see a big difference in the rest of my body except that my waist is a little bit slimmer. But I know it takes time. Mostly I’ve been really pleased with myself for sticking with it. A thousand calories a day is definitely an adjustment. But so far I have been strict and firm and it’s been going great. Just the fact my rings aren’t too tight anymore shows that something is going on. And it’s harder to see a difference in yourself when you look in the mirror everyday. Often other people that haven’t seen you in a while can tell easier whether or not you’ve lost or gained weight. So I don’t know whether my weight loss is visible or not but it is possible that somebody who hasn’t seen me in a while would immediately notice a difference.
I have a long way to go but so far my results have been encouraging.
Craig and I have a ball to go to, a big one, and on Saturday we went shopping to find me a formal dress. At the first store we struck out. We went to David’s Bridal and I found a dress that fit me but I wondered if it was formal enough and it didn’t really have any style or flair. So we tried another shop across the street, a locally-owned shop. They had absolutely stunning dresses in all sizes with a lot of artistic flair. I got a dark blue dress with jewels all over it, mermaid fit, sheer up top and down the back (but not in a trashy way), sweet heart neck line, with a whole bunch of tulle that flares out at the bottom. I will definitely post pictures of it the day of the ball, which is May 11th. Tomorrow I take it in to the tailor to get it taken in, shortened, and to get bra cups sewn in.
Today the new vanity that I ordered arrived. It’s sitting on the front porch right now because the box is 80 lb and I can’t lift it or even slide it enough to get it into the house. So I just go outside and check on it once in awhile, but living on base is pretty safe. I can’t wait for Craig to put it together. I’m really looking forward to having it. It’s a beautiful vanity and having it will enable me to clear a bunch of makeup and other supplies off our cluttered bathroom counter.