Tag Archives: weight

Shopping, Books, Creativity

Today I went shopping for regular size clothes. I got to go shopping at Macy’s briefly with my mother and I found a dress that day that fit, so I hoped I could do a whole shopping trip and find clothes in the regular Department that fit me. I went to dressbarn, tried on about 15 dresses, and all of them except for one fit, and that one didn’t fit over my bust. I was wearing 14s and 16s. Then I went over to Marshalls next door and I found Calvin Klein dresses in size 14 and size large. They all fit me and they look great on me! I am so happy! I have a long way to go but it feels so good to finally be able to shop in the regular sections of the department stores. There’s so much more to pick from and it’s so much more flattering. I am trying not to spend too much money on clothing since I’m hoping to keep losing weight and I don’t want to run out and spend hundreds of dollars only to have the clothes not fit in 2 months. Plus, having too much clothing stresses me out. It’s just too much laundry and too much organizing, so anything that cannot fit in the three drawers that are mine in the chest of drawers does not get kept. So in order to keep these dresses I’m getting rid of some of the other ones that don’t fit. I’m going to keep one or two to paint in since I don’t want to ruin these nice dresses, but some other stuff has to go.

I have been reading everywhere lately. I’m still working my way through the wonderful new books that arrived while I was in Virginia. And on top of that I have been downloading books on Google Play books and on Kindle and reading those too. I am even getting into some contemporary fiction, which I almost never do. One of the books I’m currently reading is very surreal and it’s about being a woman and about the body. There’s one very creepy story in there about a woman with a green ribbon around her neck. And I’m finding books about painting and books about walking in faith and Christian women throughout history. So much good stuff. And of course, poetry as always. The white piano is really good. I keep going back to that one. And I am absolutely drowning in sci-fi and horror to read. It’s such a pleasure!

Many of the books that I like to read cannot be bought for an e-reader or phone. Most poetry only comes in book format. But for the books I’m finding online that do come in an e-reader format, I’m debating downloading more often than ordering a physical book. I will always prefer the wonderful weight of a book in my hands and the fresh smell of the paper, and I will never stop ordering flesh and Bone books. But at least sometimes it might be a good idea to get digital copies because our library is filling up so fast. Truthfully it’s already overflowing. Craig and I own so many books. The library spills into rooms and pretty soon, and fax now since we have so many books to resell to get digital copies because our library is filling up so fast. Truthfully it’s already overflowing. Craig and I own so many books. The library spills into rooms and pretty soon, and fax now since we have so many books to shelve that are new, we need more bookshelves. Plus there’s something nice about having at least some of your books be portable and come with you without having to pack anything. That way I can read at the mall or in a parking lot or waiting in line at Taco Bell or anywhere.

Today I tried to do a little bit of schooling with Angelica. The babysitter had already done some with her. Our wonderful babysitter does educational activities every time she comes. But I decided to help Angelica work on the letter b this afternoon. She made some progress but handwriting is slow going. She seems to pick up on the handwriting quicker than she remembers the sounds that the letters make though. For some reason she remembers what sound the letter Z makes and it always makes her happy, but the other letters she doesn’t really remember yet so we’re going to keep working with the flash cards. And I’m going to keep letting her play her little educational games on my phone. Maybe she is like me. I have always adored the letter z.

Her curriculum should be here in the next couple of weeks and then we will get started in earnest.

I am downloading as many textures and creative programs as I can to create little collages and digital pages. The one in this post is one I just made tonight. I borrow the photography from all over and use different frames and filters and borders and textures to create something that describes my mood or something else in my life. I think the one tonight is pretty fitting.

 

Painting My Way Skinny

Today I worked at the new art studio in my laundry room. I’m now going to try to learn to do abstract painting on top of writing poetry. The more creative outlets the better. But one thing I am secretly hoping to accomplish is to improve my chances of having a successful diet by engaging in as many creative and interesting hobbies as I can. I sort of fell out of the habit of my diet while I was with my parents. I still stayed pretty strict and I didn’t gain any weight, but I didn’t lose very much weight either even though I was there for 2 weeks. I had been making tremendous progress in two week periods. But I got out of routine and now I’m hungry again and having to learn to deal with that. But I’ve really enjoyed seeing my progress as I have gotten Slimmer and I don’t want to lose that progress. So maybe what I need something to replace food. Something to focus my mind on when food isn’t a possibility. Sometimes I write, but if you’re too preoccupied by a given subject sometimes you end up writing about it, which isn’t helpful in this case. I read, which definitely helps. But maybe I need something more. Something I can do with my hands and get involved with. It’s not why I’m starting to paint. But I am hoping it will be an added benefit.

There is a common misconception out there that fat people are depressed and miserable. It simply isn’t true. The happiest years of my life have been the fattest. However, when you reach the point where you want to lose weight it is good to have as many good things in your life as possible to distract you from eating. A loving family and a beautiful home certainly help, but they don’t distract you from putting food in your mouth. In fact you’re more likely to end up eating when you’re hanging out with your family. But having things to do can be a distraction and can add greater fulfillment. I’ve never been an emotional eater, but I probably am more likely to eat more if I am bored. I never feel bored but sometimes I feel less than stimulated than others and maybe it’s good to have some sort of outlet and some goals. Rather than focusing on what I am not doing, eating, I need to focus on something that I am doing. I think getting back on track my productivity planner once Craig goes back to work will also help with this. But I need to be strict to get back into good habits. And who knows. Maybe having a new creative outlet will improve my chances.

Significantly Overweight

“You’ll have to lose weight.”

“Am I really that overweight?”

“You are significantly overweight.”

That was my conversation with my doctor.  I am always aware of my weight, just as I am my hair color and complexion. But I never really felt bad about it.  I used to be small and now I am big. Still the same person. And I don’t mind being fluffy.

But now I have a doctor telling me that the surgery to reattach my intestines will go a lot easier if I lose some weight.   And poor eating habits (a diet very low in fiber) may be what got me into this debacle.  So maybe I do need to eat healthier.  I don’t want to lose a lot of weight, but even 20 or 30 pounds would probably make things easier for the doctor, prolong my life, and prevent this from happening again.

To that end I am making some changes. I went to the grocery store today and I got Caesar salad kits, pre cut broccoli and cauliflower, apples, grapes, and high fiber granola bars. Tonight, for the first time in my life, I ate salad for a meal. It was actually enjoyable, although I admit that I missed lasagna. But I’m still going to eat lasagna and other types of pasta. I’m not going to deprive myself. It’s just that for some of my meals I’m going to substitute oatmeal or salad or broccoli in for some of the unhealthy foods that I usually eat.  This should slowly but surely bring my weight down.

I am also going to order this special contraption that turns a regular bike into an exercise bike. That way I can start getting some exercise in the house. My foot never got better and surgery didn’t correct the problem, so I still can’t go on the long walks that I miss so much. I have a bike sitting in the garage that I bought this past summer, but I have found that I don’t like riding my bike in Moyock with people driving around me going 55 miles an hour. It scares me and I have to be so alert that I can’t even listen to music while I ride. However, it’s a nice bike and I would like to make use of it so this may be the perfect solution. And I can buy some sort of machine or Fitbit that tracks calorie burn. I will play music from my computer and just enjoy challenging myself to see how far I can go.

Change is a difficult process for everyone, and I am sure I will be no exception. But I am open to the process. I figure if I can find healthy things to do and eat that I actually like I am more likely to stick with this lifestyle change. I like food I bought today it just isn’t as sweet or cheesy as I am used to. Normally I hate salad but what I did was I got a Caesar salad kit instead of a regular salad and I found that I actually like the Caesar. I like the dark romaine lettuce and I like the Caesar dressing. If I have to force myself to eat salad I didn’t like all the time it probably wouldn’t work out. It’s hard to force yourself to do something you detest for extended periods of time. But by branching out and finding a salad I like I have insured that I will continue to eat salad. Same with the granola bars. I picked caramel granola bars. I know since they’re sweet I’ll eat them but they’re also high fiber bars so I’m getting some good nutrition out of them. This way I’ll actually eat those instead of letting them rot on my pantry shelf as I am wont to do when I end up not liking a food. If I like the exercise bike it won’t be such a chore to get on it. And if I can just listen to music and enjoy myself it may even become something I look forward to doing. When I was younger I used to ride my bike every night for one to two hours. It kept me thin in spite of my extremely bad eating habits! If I coupled eating healthy with exercising over the next six months until my next surgery I could be a world healthier than I am today.

Anorexia 2

Food is excellent,

almost smells necessary.

So does everything that possesses you

 

If only people could turn off the clock and wean themselves from his

nefarious purposes…

 

You feel five feet wide and are at least 1.

On the counter,

chocolate in all his attractions. Do not listen to him.

Eat your salad.

This is hate.

Your teeth flicker on and off.

Your bones shrink in disgrace.

Weighty Matters

Lately I’m not totally happy with my weight. It isn’t that I want to be thin again. I don’t really. I’d rather eat what I want and be fluffy. I even like being fluffy. I think it suits me more than being skinny. I have disproportionately large breasts, so being skinny just makes me look a little weird in my opinion, like a snake that swallowed two watermelons. But I’d love to be about 20 pounds lighter. I’m definitely more than 20 pounds heavier than slim, but I’d like to lose 20 pounds. I was supremely happy with my weight at 175/180. I like plus size clothes, but I miss having the option to wear regular size clothes. I’m a size 18, so I’m one size too big to shop in regular departments. Gone are my days of shopping at Macy’s.

The problems are these: I like food, I’m on heavy psychiatric medication, I have hypothyroidism, and I cannot do my old favorite forms of exercise very much. I used to be really in to walking and for the past year or more I’ve been unable to really take a good long walk because of my problems with my foot – problems two foot surgeries have not fixed. Walking was my favorite form of exercise. I used to go on nightly one hour walks, with a little bit of running thrown in.

I need to find a new form of exercise. I’m thinking of swimming, but I don’t have a pool and it is time consuming to drive to the pool. Plus, the pool lap swimming hours don’t work with my schedule. I’d love a trampoline to jump on, but we are moving to military housing in January when we go to Colorado and I don’t think trampolines are allowed there – and it isn’t worth the money to buy one for just one summer and fall. And honestly, I’m not sure how much impact my foot can really take. My problem tends to be more with bending my foot than putting impact on it, but impact hurts too.

Then I think I could count calories again, but I don’t miss the days of my life where I counted calories. It was miserable. I don’t want food, or the lack of it, taking up that much space in my head. I don’t want to count everything I eat. Still, if I want to get back in to size 16s or 14s I need to eat less and move more.

Why does size matter? Why can’t they make the same clothes in all sizes? And why do I put this pressure on myself? Society tries to put pressure on me, but I don’t read fashion magazines anymore and I’m old enough to pay no mind to the tv, so I don’t know if that is where the pressure is coming from. My husband doesn’t put pressure on me and loves me the way I am.

Am I really unhappy with my weight or am I unhappy with something else? Sometimes unhappiness about other areas of myself manifests in unhappiness with my weight. Even when I was skinny I was miserable about my body because I was miserable about other things. So how do I separate my feelings about my body from my feelings about other things? How does one love their body the way it is and yet try to change it at the same time?

I can’t put pressure on myself to lose weight, or I’ll go too far. You’d never know it to see me now, but I used to have two eating disorders. I’m an obsessive person by nature. Calorie counting becomes the focus, vomiting becomes regular. I don’t ever want to go back to that. But why is it that sometimes I can love myself the way I am and other times I can’t? How do you lose weight without dieting? How can I enjoy life and enjoy the foods that I like while still making sure I don’t go up a dress size? And why am I not good at this balance? Being size 18 is not bad, but I’d like to be a 16 or a 14, and I don’t want to go up to a 20 as I get older.

How can I get happy with my weight again, either by losing weight or by loving myself as I am?

Diet Music

Diet Music

 

plays from the radio,

and my soul still picks daintily.

Is it afraid of getting fat?

So much that it usually eats

it has cut from its pallet.

Friends have been left in the cabinets,

community life in the

desolate freezer.

Color is calm,

though my soul still sneaks scoops

of pulsating shades at midnight.

What soul does not like a bit of electric blue

or Kelly Green

before running away with the dreams?

Perhaps my dreams,

shrinking beneath all my scrutiny,

cannot bear away

a more voluminous soul.