Usually people come up with grand goals on New Years, most of which they will discard by the end up the month. I might set New Years goals as well, but right now Christmas is inspiring me to do better.
I need to be kinder. I will always have a backbone of steel. I am still the Lisa that people know and love (or hate). I will, however, try to be kinder to people in a variety of settings. I need to restrain my tongue basically. That doesn’t mean I will accept abuse. It may seem that I reiterate that entirely too much, but past experiences have taught me to stand strong. There are many wolves who seek to devour, to destroy.
I need to draw closer to the good people in my life, many of whom I have been distrustful of, and occasionally hostile too. I need to get into fewer political arguments. I will vote my conscience and you will vote yours. Unless the setting is designed for debate, I will stay out of it. That doesn’t mean I will hide what I think, but there is no need to be aggressive about it.
I need to emanate goodness. Sometimes people show me that goodness. I would rather be like them.
My life is cleaner now. It is time for a change. My circumstances have changed, and I no longer need as much acerbic language and a heart behind a wall.
This may allow me to be more myself than I ever have been in my life. I don’t believe I have to live as an emotional refugee behind barbed wire, shooting off proverbial guns anymore. I want to be the person I should be. I want God to look at my life and be pleased.
I want to make people happy. I need to learn to trust, though it goes against everything in me. Everyone needs someone they can count on to care for them, and I want friends and strangers alike to feel they can come to me.
If you need help, whether it is words of encouragement or company in the hard, glittery nights of winter, call me or come to my house. Text me or send me a message on Facebook. If you need anything else, reach out. There are so many people I wish I had gotten closer to, but shyness and emotion got in the way.
I am going to try hard. If you see something in me that crosses the line between opinionated and harsh, tell me. If you see a lack of charity in me, call me out. Whether you are someone I hang out with now, or an old friend or schoolmate, reach out to me for any reason at all. Don’t be shy.
This may be a long road with difficulties and stumbles, but I am diving in to do my best. Not just for me, but more importantly for God and the people around me. I have tried to be gentler in the past, but this is so much more than that. This is about taking my heart and burning away the dross to get to the gold.
Often, when I make gratitude lists on here, it is to cheer myself up. Today I feel very good. I still want to make a list though. Praising God is important.
- Thank you for blessing me with the opportunity to stay home. It helps my mental health, and is also allowing me to pursue a creative life.
- Thank you, God, for the random word generator someone felt inspired to build on the internet. It is beginning to fuel new projects.
- Thank you for giving my daughter a good start in Kindergarten. I pray that you will help her continually. She is dyslexic, and that does not make school easy for her. Thank you for blessing her with wonderful teachers.
- Thank you for giving me good neighbors.
- I am thankful there are no sunflowers around. They scare me and make my hair stand on end. I look like Don King when I see those huge sunflowers with their cruel, watchful faces.
- Thank you for a wonderful day.
- I love my psych, and I thank you Lord for leading me to her.
Except please don’t.
In my devotional it talks about telling the Lord you are willing to go where He wants to send you.
Wherever He wants to send me it must involve the military since I married to a guy in the Navy. I don’t know where exactly God wants me, whether it’s another city or some place in town that I should be. Either way I don’t feel as willing as I should. Part of that is that I just like where I am. I like my life and routine. I like where I live. Truthfully I have no desire to do or live any differently.
I go through periods of time where I would be thrilled to step up and do something for God. And then I go through times like this, the spring and the summer and their problems, and I don’t want to be sent anywhere. Sometimes I wonder if there are things you’re supposed to do from your home. Or at least people very near to you. I don’t believe that God wants everyone to be a missionary. At all times though you must be willing to say “Here am I. Send me.”
God please keep me here. I am having more good days lately. I am willing to go where you want to send me. Please keep me here. Often times my posts on faith are my way of working through thoughts as much as they are writing down my opinions and scriptural interpretations.
Please, if it is your will, let me stay here. If it is your will that I go someplace new, please don’t crush me with it.
Lately I have done very little veiling. At this point I am conflicted. Do I go back to using daily discipline to wear my veils? Or do I take some time off and reevaluate?
It has been hot lately and I haven’t wanted anything else on my head. Lame excuse but it’s true. While it doesn’t get as hot and miserable here as it does back in the Southeast, we are still adjacent to the prairie and it does get pretty hot on bad days. I dread having anything else on my head.
Then there is the issue of being sick. I began to fall off the wagon with my head covering when I started not feeling well. The summer has been a mix of not feeling well mentally and not feeling well physically. Sometimes both of them suck. Other times I might feel fantastic mentally but physically I feel like crap. Or vice versa. And as a result I just want to go out of the house and not worry about it.
I need to dive back into the verses of the word that cover head covering. I started wearing head coverings as a symbol of submission to my husband and God, as well as a reminder to submit to them. I do feel like I’ve made great strides with those things. Especially with submitting to my husband. I still have days where I am kind of willful and difficult to deal with, but by and large I accept my husband’s decisions. I contribute to them obviously, but I accept them. I admire my husband’s leadership and I want him to lead me and our daughter and set the direction for our household. The question is do I need to continue wearing the head covering daily if I am accomplishing these skills? Would it be best to save them and then begin wearing them again if I realize that I have fallen off the wagon and I’m not doing what I should be doing?
Also, my husband likes to see my hair.
Spiritual practices do not become superfluous because someone does not feel like having the disciplined pursue them. If I need to wear a veil please God then I should continue to do so. I am just not sure what the holy spirit is telling me. Whatever the holy spirit says, the holy spirit will not contradict the Bible.
Two things stand out to me in this post the most. The first is that God takes Mercy on us because we are the ones he created and he wants to see us do well. God’s goal is not to see us demolished. The second thing that really stood out to me is the very end where it says there are no places of respite for the wicked.
I am the wicked. I do not pray. God knows I need to, that not only do I need to offer prayers for those around me, but that I need prayer myself.
God, deliver me from my thoughts of dying. From being stranded from my own mind. From looming larger than color.
God knows best that I need rest. Sleep. Equilibrium. I am searching for my Lectio Divina book. Until then, God please help me. You know the trouble I have been in.
Just as a quick note, I am invigorating my spiritual life. I have a new devotional. Moreover, I am going to start reading and studying the apocryphal books of the Bible. Having predominantly been protestant, I was almost an adult before I knew any of these books existed. Now I want to study the books, and also see why they were removed. If they are Holy, I can learn from them. If they aren’t, I pray I can discern the difference.