I am basically overloaded lately. I can’t get through the evening without an anxiety attack that is crippling. It builds all day. So much light and color and things to do. I’m at the doctor now.
I had a full blown panic attack at the doctor’s office. They put me on oxygen and gave me an injection of something.
Something has me wound so tight. Meds maybe. Or just sensory overload, Asperger’s style. But I have anxiety every day. The doctor gave me a new prescription to take as well. He isn’t my psych, but he took care of things, which I needed.
Just praying for calm soon, and that the medicine will alleviate the problem when I need it to. Klonopin is a huge help, but by law quantities are limited. Lately the anxiety has been more than I can cover with my allotted Klonopin.
I am (despite my longing for a solitary house with a gun rack by the door and a no trespassing sign) friendly. I am also an Aspie. I sometimes have fewer boundaries than other people.
Recently I was passing through the gate to get home and I had some big bags of candy I had just bought on the front. I bought them because I was manic. I don’t normally spend 16 dollars on candy. The gate guard noticed, and I almost said, “I’m manic!”
Quickly, in the back of my mind, I thought, “Don’t tell him something so personal.”
So I yelled, “It’s my time of the month!”
I am always like that. I get up to a register and the tired, fed up woman behind it says, “How are you today?”
Then I proceed to tell her. “I have a headache, but I am really hoping to relax on the porch swing today. My bad ankle hurts and my meds aren’t working. But I am watching a marathon of Toddlers and Tiaras!”
No one is prepared for that.
I don’t have the filter in my mouth that I would be more likely to have if I was neurotypical. Sometimes it is fun. People probably think I’m nuts, but they warm up to me and I can be really good at fostering relationships that are open and honest. Other times it throws people for a loop and they run away. I try to turn off the Asperger’s part of myself, but it’s hard.
I didn’t get around to writing about it, but the 3rd marked 7 years Craig and I have been married. It has been 7 wonderful years that I feel blessed to have had. My husband and our daughter are God’s greatest gifts to me.
Angelica was in school. I took the day easy. We like to celebrate, but we just got back from a trip the night before, and I just wasn’t up to doing much. The previous Thursday though, we went to the cafe we like and then went to REI for hiking gear for Craig and Angelica.
This may sound crazy, but I am trying to clean the house less. It still isn’t as organized as it should be. I still suck at organization. But I have been cleaning nonstop. On Angelica’s 1st day of school I cleaned for 6 straight hours. Nothing was particularly unruly in the house. I just cleaned. I’ve been doing that ever since.
I should be using this time to really delve into my writing and to focus on learning a new language and things like that. I have the free time to do those things. I should be studying scripture. Instead I am disinfecting the disinfectant.
I think it is just hard to get used to Angelica being gone. I have been interrupted in everything from writing a poem to going to the bathroom for five years. Now I know if I sit down to do something I will be alone, with time to focus. This seems to scare me.
A small taste of empty nest syndrome. I just miss my daughter, and the harder I work the quicker I can bring her home. It makes the time fly to clean all day.
Maybe I am nervous too because since we aren’t homeschooling at this point, a chapter of my life has begun in which I should be very productive and accomplish a lot. I haven’t been under that type of pressure since college.
T minus 30 minutes til I pick Angelica up from school!
I HAVE EMPTY NEST SYNDROME! Okay, it is less severe than what those in later life experience when there’s no one to even come home from school – but I’ve got it bad. When I go to the bathroom there’s no one opening the door to chat with me. When I read a book there is no one to interrupt me. I could literally read a book in one sitting now. I haven’t done that since Angelica was born. I’d rather be interrupted.
It has been hard to read or write at all still. I get home from dropping her off and I just clean and clean and clean.
Angelica has started school, and it feels beyond strange. My beautiful baby girl isn’t at home with me anymore. I dropped her off at school this morning and now here I am – sitting on the porch swing with no one to cuddle. Angelica always follows me to the porch swing to cuddle.
She was psyched on her first day. She woke up super early and couldn’t get back to sleep. I got to walk her to the gate, and then into the playground. I cried. I tried to stop myself, and I held the worst of it back for later, but I cried. Her teacher was really sweet. She passed around tissue packets to parents and included a sweet little poem about leaving your child with their teacher.
I went to a breakfast to meet other moms. They seemed very nice. Volunteers are needed in Angelica’s classroom. I need to figure out what I can commit to. They are seeking weekly volunteers, as well as party plans. The only party I might be good at is a Halloween party, and it looks like they won’t do those, so I’m out of party planning. I might read to the class.
I know Angelica will learn a lot, make friends, learn new skills, and have fun. Craig and I made the right decision. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t have tears in my eyes right now.
Back to the oral surgeon this morning. Last night the screw that holds things in place before the tooth implant can be put in came out. Thank goodness the base in the bone was okay, but I had to get another screw. I had called the after hours line last night and they said to not worry and call to get an appointment.
Well I’m here and I’m healthy, but my gums grew in overnight. So he had to take out tissue again. Not fun. Liquid diet for a few days.
This morning I went to the GI doctor about the daily vomiting. He prescribed a medication that does the same thing as another medication that a different doctor has given me. I do not have high hopes for it. They also have me scheduled to stick a camera down my throat. As you can guess I am not looking forward to that.
In the meantime I might see if it is one of my other medications causing this problem. I’m on one that helps me but it may be creating the nausea. And if it is I’m going to have to go off that pill. Because daily nausea and vomiting for the foreseeable future is just not an option.
The awesome girl who does our cleaning was here today and it felt so nice to come back to the appointment and smell all the cleaning products and see the stripes in the carpet from the vacuum. So that’s probably going to be the highlight of my day.
Later on Angelica has speech and OT. Then I can finally be done. Angelica has a friend over right now and they are watching 101 Dalmatians.
This morning I finally made it to the lab to get tests done. The doctor wanted to run several tests, so they drew five vials of blood. I know from the paperwork he’s testing at least 10 things. I also had to do a test where you breathe into a bag, drink a weird drink, wait 15 minutes, and breathe into another bag. This is to test for certain stomach ulcers. I had to bring Angelica with me because this was the only morning that worked for me all week, and I couldn’t get the babysitter for today. Of course Angelica was extremely well-behaved. She asked if her Bible was allowed inside, and then brought one of her little Bibles with her to the waiting room.
I was glad that they were able to get the blood for me without too much trouble. I am usually a pretty hard stick. The first time she tried she had to dig around and it didn’t work. She had that long needle just moving around. I hate that feeling. But on the second try she got it on the other arm.
Shortly after I came home the really nice girl who cleans for us came.
Angelica has been playing non-stop with a friend since we got home. We got home before noon. We’re approaching five. She’s been playing all day.
School starts in a few weeks! We are coming up on August and everything is getting so real. It felt pretty real when we toured the school and then when Angelica had her evaluation and Craig and I did the parent interview, but it’s amazing to think that before I know it I will be dropping her off. Time is running out.
This spider is really pissing me off. It keeps trying to spread its silk in the air around my back porch swing. That’s not okay. I keep finding fresh string but I can’t seem to find the spider himself.
It is some sort of weird spider season. When I look out the front windows I can see spider threads flying down the street. Some species of spider do disperse their babies that way. The little babies propel with silk and just glide through however many feet or even miles they can before landing on something to build a nest. I just really don’t want to get one stuck on me. I’ll have a heart attack.
On Thursday I went to the doctor. I now have an appointment set up with a GI specialist to see what is wrong. It’s really important to see why I keep throwing up all this bile. My esophagus and throat feel exhausted. And of course my teeth are going to rot out of my mouth if I don’t stop doing this. I also got a referral to see a gynecologist to get rid of the fluid I have in me from the cyst that burst. He gave me nausea medicine and stomach medicine to carry me through until I can see a specialist.
Angelica is loving life. She gets to hang out with her friend pretty much every day. They’re hanging out as I write this. Her friend was here for lunch and now she’s going to be here for dinner.
I went to the art museum yesterday while the babysitter was here. I brought my husband’s camera with me and was playing with the settings. What I figured out was that if I set the camera in HDR mode and then use manual and change a couple of other things that I need to remember again, I can do those really great shots where there’s different layers and everything is blurred. It basically photographs the light if you do it right. I met an employee there who is artist and it was really nice to chat for a while. Once again though, and the seems to happen almost every time I visit an art museum, I got tired and dizzy. Honestly I think it’s the aspie in me combined with the bipolar. So many colors and lines and stuff everywhere. I feel dizzy, I sit down, and then once I’m ready to get up I usually head home. Regardless, I got some interesting photos that I can’t wait to transfer from the camera to my computer and then to my phone where I can edit them. Of course I have the Affinity software to and I would definitely use that, but I just have a phone app that I really like as well.
I also bought a framed piece of wood at Michaels. I have laid down a primary layer of paint. From here I am adding letters and all sorts of things. There will be colorful mirror glass spread throughout. I plan to dye the letters that I bought with alcohol ink. I’m really excited to be taking this on.