There is a new blessing in my life. I hit it off with another mother from Angelica’s school. Friends are gifts, and as an adult they are hard to find.
Angelica did her assessment at the speech clinic and passed with flying colors.
I have begun to read the chapter about evil (origins, definition, occurrence etc) in “Unshakable Foundations.” It is a really methodical book – careful and well argued book to prove God and His nature.
Our little dinosaur went trick or treating. It was well below freezing. I love cold weather, but still that’s a lot for a kid. She got tons of loot though.
I have two novels in verse that I’m working on. It is rough going. I am not a novelist, and poetry in such a long format is an interesting challenge for me.
This morning, while I still could, I got a massage. My glutes and shoulders were awful, and I know why.
Our sofa, which is less than a year old, is falling apart. Back rest cushions are saggy. Worst of all, the cushions you sit on are sinking so badly that we list like ships. Right now we have boards under the seats. This can’t go on forever.
Snow is luxurious. I admit it wasn’t fun to drive on when I took Angelica to school today, but I love it nonetheless. Today it will start snowing again and continue to snow through the evening. Halloween will likely be in the single digits for Trick or Treating. That part does suck. Hopefully my little dinosaur will stay warm in that big costume.
The girl who cleans for us was just here, and am so glad she could come before the next snow storm.
Yesterday an adorable bunny found shelter on our front porch by hunkering down next to a column. It gave him a bit of a wind break, a break from being snowed on, and a break from standing on it.
Since school was cancelled yesterday, we had to do instruction at home. I am of the mind that kids should just have fun on snow days, but evidently the school is not. After a few hours of work though she finally got to go sledding with some friends.
I am grateful for these cold, white days.
Last night my best friend visited from the East Coast. We ate pizza and pie, and played many, many rounds of Apples to Apples. It was so good to see her. Craig was home, and her husband was traveling with her, so we got to have a good time as couples too.
She brought lovely gifts for Angelica, including her very first cross necklace.
It is always good to see your best friend.
This coming weekend we have more visitors. Angelica’s grandparents are coming to visit for the weekend to celebrate Angelica’s 6th birthday. We are looking forward to it.
We just visited my Uncle Jerry recently, so this Fall has been a wonderful season of family and friends. Despite the difficulties I have had for the past few months, I feel blessed.
I am basically overloaded lately. I can’t get through the evening without an anxiety attack that is crippling. It builds all day. So much light and color and things to do. I’m at the doctor now.
UPDATE
I had a full blown panic attack at the doctor’s office. They put me on oxygen and gave me an injection of something.
Something has me wound so tight. Meds maybe. Or just sensory overload, Asperger’s style. But I have anxiety every day. The doctor gave me a new prescription to take as well. He isn’t my psych, but he took care of things, which I needed.
Just praying for calm soon, and that the medicine will alleviate the problem when I need it to. Klonopin is a huge help, but by law quantities are limited. Lately the anxiety has been more than I can cover with my allotted Klonopin.
I am (despite my longing for a solitary house with a gun rack by the door and a no trespassing sign) friendly. I am also an Aspie. I sometimes have fewer boundaries than other people.
Recently I was passing through the gate to get home and I had some big bags of candy I had just bought on the front. I bought them because I was manic. I don’t normally spend 16 dollars on candy. The gate guard noticed, and I almost said, “I’m manic!”
Quickly, in the back of my mind, I thought, “Don’t tell him something so personal.”
So I yelled, “It’s my time of the month!”
I am always like that. I get up to a register and the tired, fed up woman behind it says, “How are you today?”
Then I proceed to tell her. “I have a headache, but I am really hoping to relax on the porch swing today. My bad ankle hurts and my meds aren’t working. But I am watching a marathon of Toddlers and Tiaras!”
No one is prepared for that.
I don’t have the filter in my mouth that I would be more likely to have if I was neurotypical. Sometimes it is fun. People probably think I’m nuts, but they warm up to me and I can be really good at fostering relationships that are open and honest. Other times it throws people for a loop and they run away. I try to turn off the Asperger’s part of myself, but it’s hard.
I didn’t get around to writing about it, but the 3rd marked 7 years Craig and I have been married. It has been 7 wonderful years that I feel blessed to have had. My husband and our daughter are God’s greatest gifts to me.
Angelica was in school. I took the day easy. We like to celebrate, but we just got back from a trip the night before, and I just wasn’t up to doing much. The previous Thursday though, we went to the cafe we like and then went to REI for hiking gear for Craig and Angelica.
This may sound crazy, but I am trying to clean the house less. It still isn’t as organized as it should be. I still suck at organization. But I have been cleaning nonstop. On Angelica’s 1st day of school I cleaned for 6 straight hours. Nothing was particularly unruly in the house. I just cleaned. I’ve been doing that ever since.
I should be using this time to really delve into my writing and to focus on learning a new language and things like that. I have the free time to do those things. I should be studying scripture. Instead I am disinfecting the disinfectant.
I think it is just hard to get used to Angelica being gone. I have been interrupted in everything from writing a poem to going to the bathroom for five years. Now I know if I sit down to do something I will be alone, with time to focus. This seems to scare me.
A small taste of empty nest syndrome. I just miss my daughter, and the harder I work the quicker I can bring her home. It makes the time fly to clean all day.
Maybe I am nervous too because since we aren’t homeschooling at this point, a chapter of my life has begun in which I should be very productive and accomplish a lot. I haven’t been under that type of pressure since college.
T minus 30 minutes til I pick Angelica up from school!
I HAVE EMPTY NEST SYNDROME! Okay, it is less severe than what those in later life experience when there’s no one to even come home from school – but I’ve got it bad. When I go to the bathroom there’s no one opening the door to chat with me. When I read a book there is no one to interrupt me. I could literally read a book in one sitting now. I haven’t done that since Angelica was born. I’d rather be interrupted.
It has been hard to read or write at all still. I get home from dropping her off and I just clean and clean and clean.
Angelica has started school, and it feels beyond strange. My beautiful baby girl isn’t at home with me anymore. I dropped her off at school this morning and now here I am – sitting on the porch swing with no one to cuddle. Angelica always follows me to the porch swing to cuddle.
She was psyched on her first day. She woke up super early and couldn’t get back to sleep. I got to walk her to the gate, and then into the playground. I cried. I tried to stop myself, and I held the worst of it back for later, but I cried. Her teacher was really sweet. She passed around tissue packets to parents and included a sweet little poem about leaving your child with their teacher.
I went to a breakfast to meet other moms. They seemed very nice. Volunteers are needed in Angelica’s classroom. I need to figure out what I can commit to. They are seeking weekly volunteers, as well as party plans. The only party I might be good at is a Halloween party, and it looks like they won’t do those, so I’m out of party planning. I might read to the class.
I know Angelica will learn a lot, make friends, learn new skills, and have fun. Craig and I made the right decision. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t have tears in my eyes right now.
Praying she has a good year.
