Why do I like being alone?
Cast iron smells hellacious.
Voices are diggers,
And my skin is soft.
Victims hiss when
Their yoke is sucked
From their mouths like a breath.
Spare me the torture
Of day sailers
And night sailors.
I am coming to a stop within me.
Ever tasted so neat.
Calligraphy of rain,
Gentle messages stolen from a cloud,
A mother sacrificing her life
For future generations of mothers.
Spilling overtures of relief go door to door
To every blade of wheat.
Only the scavengers will go hungry this year
I use paint on canvas (and other bases) but I am not a painter. You may think this comes down to talent. I may or may not agree.
The truth is, I am not a painter because I don’t make paintings. I don’t believe I have ever made something that I would want to sell or hang on the wall. That’s not the goal. What I want is an image. I love the painting, but I don’t feel fulfilled until I get a really good photograph of what I made. Then I throw the painting, or rather thing covered in paint, in the trash.
If I ever were to even attempt to sell my better, more successful work, I wouldn’t sell the thing with paint on it. I would sell the photograph.
Maybe one day I will do that. I will go on Etsy or one of those photo selling websites, and I will attempt to sell my art that way.
I am getting into some exciting new stuff soon. I bought a book about abstract painting with mixed media collage, and I am stoked. So much to learn, so many materials to try. Meanwhile, I am making digital art too as a sort of journal. Sometimes I might pair the images with words, with verbed and nouned feelings.
Recently I ordered some experimental novels I found in articles online. I believe I wrote awhile back about dabbling in fiction.
I dropped that for awhile. Now I am back. In desperate need of a sense of structure, I wanted new novels to read. However, I don’t want to write a regular sort of novel. As a poem writer, I want to break things down. I also want a shorter story. Can a story with no plot be good? Can the color orange be my protagonist? Can I structure my book as a series of ekphrastic poems? What does it mean to structure a story as a scrapbook? Can I include footnotes, to-do notes, and playlists?
I want to find out. I have a lot to learn. I am a voracious reader, but this is stuff I haven’t really touched. It is time to leave the familiar terrains of my mind and map a new world.
Labored seeing –
The artist as his canvas drifts away.
The IV hums a little.
They only let him squeeze
The morphine button every five minutes.
4 out of every 5 minutes
Is a dog gnawing on his body.
One more painting and I will go
The advertisement promised diligent bread.
The sort of thing that will eat for you
While you bask prideful in a fashionable,
The world loves you as it loves itself.
That’s why it wants less of you, Dear.
There is a new job coming,
To be done by someone else.
Today I was able to pick Angelica up from school without crying. That’s awesome, because there was only one day this week that I did pick up, and I turned into a crying mess. However, I fell asleep this morning until almost noon. I missed an appointment. I have gotten some exercise today, which is good. But I am afraid to leave the house to pick up our grocery order tonight. I feel like I am becoming a shut in.
This has to end soon, right? My anxiety has been high for a few months, and this past week or so I have hit the ceiling. This can’t last forever. None of my highs or my lows or anxieties ever have. It is still scary though, because some people do reach the point where they can’t leave the house. I am not special. That could be me. This week I can barely do it.
It is very therapeutic for me to create or find images, blend and collage them, add textures, and write. It is art I can do from anywhere as long as I have my phone. I have a hard time with Bipolar and Anxiety, and doing this sometimes helps me relieve a little of that. It distracts me if I am in public or with people. Of course, sometimes I go the other way and the slightest activity sends me reeling. When I do digital collage though, or digital scrapbooking, it usually makes me feel good. Things are hard right now. I need all the help I can get.