Tag: Health

Fun and Dr. Appointments

On Wednesday night we were invited to dinner buy some new friends. It was absolutely wonderful to get to just sit down and chat, and the food that they made was delicious. They are Korean and so they had all this good Korean food. It was a really refreshing experience because I haven’t had very much Korean food before. I did have some good stuff back in college when I was doing ESL tutoring for a Korean family in Blacksburg. I absolutely loved that job. And the family was so kind and invited me to dinner sometimes. But since then I haven’t had any Korean food so it felt like a brand new experience.

I was grateful that I felt well enough to go, since I was worried that I wouldn’t feel well enough to go and I would have hated to have to back out. But I felt good and it was so wonderful to have the company. M and D are wonderful, kind, interesting people. I want to get together for another couples evening soon, and I definitely want to just hang out with M. 

I have been reading my abnormal psychology textbook that I got at a used bookstore a while back. I’ve been studying the section on personality disorders. They are absolutely fascinating. Psychology would be such a good field to go into, although I would rather be a researcher than a therapist I think. I have a lot more to read too. I just got several back issues of Artful Blogging that I was never able to buy before because they were out of stock on the publisher’s website. But I found them on Amazon so I’m happy. I’m waiting for a new parallel Bible to arrive, and I have tons of books on my Kindle to read too. If I can get to where I feel well enough again to read regularly I have so much good material to cover.

Craig has been off from work since Monday, but it feels like we haven’t spent that much time together because there have been so many doctors appointments. Of course Angelica has to speech appointments every week. we at least got to go to those together. But I have had appointments too and have been out of the house a lot. I finally got the second MRI done on my foot. This one was with contrast so they had to get an IV in me. That is never easy or fun. I told the nurse up front that it was not going to be easy and sure enough it wasn’t. I hate IVs. That’s a good reason not to have surgery right there! I saw an optometrist too, and my prescription hasn’t changed. I’m so happy that I don’t have to order new lenses for my glasses. I still have to buy new contacts obviously, but that’s not as big of a deal and they optometrist doesn’t do that thing that some of them do where they try to force you to buy contacts from them. The doctor just gave me my prescription and I can go wherever I want. So of course I’m going to have to do some price comparison and shop around.

Angelica adores magazines!

Angelica and I have gotten to spend some time together though, and that has been really nice. Today we cuddled up in the library and went through an Origami Owl catalog. There’s a ton of stuff I want to get from the fall and winter season, but I always forget or just isn’t the right time. But soon I really need to get some charms. Angelica wants her own necklace and to choose her own charms, but at this point I just feel like she is not responsible enough to take good care of jewelry. I have given her some jewelry that I have already and she is getting better about taking care of it, but she still not really to the point yet where I want to spend 70 or 80 bucks getting her a necklace. I’m afraid it will just get lost or tangled ip and broken. I look forward to the day where I can shop for things like jewelry for her.

She really likes magazines too, just like I do. She came across one of my old issues of Life:Beautiful and went crazy for it. One of her grandmothers has gotten her a Highlights subscription and I think she’ll really enjoy that. We’ll see.

Foot

After 2 foot surgeries and a bone infection treated with 6 weeks of intravenous antibiotics over a year ago, I still have pain in my foot. I finally took the plunge and went to a doctor here in Colorado. He sent me to get an MRI done after seeing nothing on the X-ray he took at the office, and they found another bone lesion just like last time in Virginia. I have to go back Monday night for an MRI with contrast so that they can take a look and get a better idea of what it is. They have to make sure it’s not malignant. Hopefully they don’t have to remove it and biopsy it for that, although I think that may be wishful thinking on my part because the chances they will just leave it in there either way is probably infinitesimally small. It’s also possible that the bone infection is still there in which case I will probably need antibiotics again. I don’t know how they will handle that though.

The first time I had to have a PICC line was for the initial bone infection. It hurt and was uncomfortable, but it wasn’t a problem to get it in there. On the other hand, when they tried to get one in me last fall a few months after the bone infection, when I was in the hospital for two weeks with diverticulitis and they had to remove 8 inches of intestines, it simply didn’t work. I wasn’t doing well and they wanted to keep me in the hospital, but my veils weren’t accepting anymore IVs and they had to do a PICC line – It was a nightmare. There was a team of five people trying to give me a PICC line because one couldn’t get it in. They tried different places on both arms. They tried over and over again. In the end, there was blood all over me, the bed, the floor, the wall, the railing, everything. And there was still no PICC line in me. I got discharged because if the hospital isn’t administering something to you the insurance won’t pay, and no one could get anything in me. Needless to say, if they need another PICC line in me I want to be under anesthesia. I don’t know how you can get them to do that, but I do not want to be awake for that mess again. So I’m really, really hoping it isn’t still a bone infection. I don’t want to face that again. And at this point the infection would have been in there so long that it may have spread (my pain has spread) and I don’t know how long I’d be on IV antibiotics.

The doctor also says that he likely wants to go into my foot anyway to clear out the bone filler that the first doctor used (the one that screwed up my first foot surgery so bad I had shards of bone filler in my foot, and I got infected from the first surgeon’s very poor post op care. A second surgeon had to operate on me a month later and fix the first surgeon’s mess the best he could.) He said it may be causing further problems and probably wasn’t the best substance to use, that there should have been something that would help bone grow again naturally. He may dig that out of my foot and put something else in. At any rate, they have to see what this lesion really is and fix it – and see why this has been happening to me for years. Essentially, I don’t think I can get out of this without surgery. I am really hoping to avoid surgery, but it just doesn’t sound likely between the lesion, the possible infection, the wrong bone filler, and the pain that has continued on and spread for years now.

Foot surgery hurts badly. After one of my foot surgeries I cried for days. I’d sit on the sofa with my foot propped up, on plenty of pain killer and with an ice pack on my foot and wrapped for compression, and I would just cry. I’ve had my gallbladder removed, two intestinal surgeries, and a C section. None of them hurt as bad as that first foot surgery. I definitely felt the worst after the first intestinal surgery, but for pain the foot surgery topped them all. The second foot surgery wasn’t as bad, but the second doctor was doing more cleanup work than anything else. The surgery with the cutting was horrendous. Maybe I am a wimp, but I dread the thought of doing that again. I really hope I can get out of this, especially now that I’m in a two story house. Not being mobile sucks in a one story. In a two story it would be awful.  Praying there’s a way out of surgery.

Weight, Gown

I am down almost 10 lb in 2 weeks. My wedding and engagement rings have actually gotten looser and fit a lot better. They were too tight before. I was wearing them, I always wear them, but they were really tight. So far I can’t see a big difference in the rest of my body except that my waist is a little bit slimmer. But I know it takes time. Mostly I’ve been really pleased with myself for sticking with it. A thousand calories a day is definitely an adjustment. But so far I have been strict and firm and it’s been going great. Just the fact my rings aren’t too tight anymore shows that something is going on. And it’s harder to see a difference in yourself when you look in the mirror everyday. Often other people that haven’t seen you in a while can tell easier whether or not you’ve lost or gained weight. So I don’t know whether my weight loss is visible or not but it is possible that somebody who hasn’t seen me in a while would immediately notice a difference.

I have a long way to go but so far my results have been encouraging.

Craig and I have a ball to go to, a big one, and on Saturday we went shopping to find me a formal dress. At the first store we struck out.  We went to David’s Bridal and I found a dress that fit me but I wondered if it was formal enough and it didn’t really have any style or flair. So we tried another shop across the street, a locally-owned shop. They had absolutely stunning dresses in all sizes with a lot of artistic flair. I got a dark blue dress with jewels all over it, mermaid fit, sheer up top and down the back (but not in a trashy way), sweet heart neck line, with a whole bunch of tulle that flares out at the bottom. I will definitely post pictures of it the day of the ball, which is May 11th. Tomorrow I take it in to the tailor to get it taken in, shortened, and to get bra cups sewn in.

Today the new vanity that I ordered arrived. It’s sitting on the front porch right now because the box is 80 lb and I can’t lift it or even slide it enough to get it into the house. So I just go outside and check on it once in awhile, but living on base is pretty safe. I can’t wait for Craig to put it together. I’m really looking forward to having it. It’s a beautiful vanity and having it will enable me to clear a bunch of makeup and other supplies off our cluttered bathroom counter.

Hope

The afternoon latches and lunches

on my milky breasts.

My chest a shelf that weighty demons sit on.

Outside in the rocky yard Good Health and Old Age fight.

My eyesight is incredibly blue

and the world is incredibly pink,

so my life is biased toward purple.

I am as executable and cuddly as a queen.

The river is dry.

No baby boys float in baskets among the reeds.

My body floats off to sleep,

my mind sinks into self,

diving deeper and deeper to the mulberry core.

 

Diet, Freedom, Clock

As of the Saturday before last, I have been on a serious diet! I lost six pounds in 8 or 9 days. I love my diet because it is based purely on the idea of calorie deficit. No going to the gym, which I hate. No taking long walks, which hurts horribly because of my bad foot, although if someone ever fixes my foot I’ll be taking five mile walks every day in no time. I don’t have to give up any foods that I really like. I just have to eat much less of them. I take in 1,000 calories a day most days, occasionally going up to 1200 or 1300 for a special meal out or just to keep my metabolism up. It’s great because I’m realizing I actually feel better and more awake when I eat less. And I’m not missing any foods or drinks. I can have a cup of juice or a Soda Stream soda. I just have to deduct it from my daily calorie count on the MyFitnessPal app. I love that app. The only function I really use is the calorie counter, but it is so useful. It has the calorie content of many foods in its database, so you can usually just search for something and the calories will pop right up, even for many restaurants. And even when they don’t have the specific brand or restaurant, you can find the general, approximate calorie count by searching for the generic name of the food.

I really hope the weight loss continues. I’m on a diet for several reasons. The first, and what inspired me to start last week,  is clothes. I ordered some beautiful dresses from a British company I love, and of the six that I bought only two fit. That lit a fire under my ass! Fundamentally, I don’t mind my weight. But I love clothes and when I can’t fit in clothes it is time to lose weight. Especially since these were not small clothes. They were size 18.

Another benefit is that losing weight makes me less likely to have a flare up of diverticulitis again and end up with another hole in my intestines and another major surgery. Not to mention the misery of wearing a colostomy bag. Doctors aren’t sure why extra weight contributes to diverticulitis, but studies have shown that it does.

Anyways, wish me luck. So far it is going really well. I hope it doesn’t stop.

FREEDOM! The outpatient program was a good, supportive program. Peak View, at least the outpatient side, is good. I finished last Friday. But when Monday morning rolled around and I realized my time was my own and I could stay home with Angelica I was thrilled. It is so nice to have my mornings and my days free. I’m free! I’m free!

Craig bought a grandmother clock at a local furniture store and it got delivered and assembled this morning. Craig loves it. I’ll admit it is a good looking clock, but that constant chiming is going to take some real getting used to. I hope it ends up feeling homey and serene, rather than being an annoyance.

Life Updates

My surgery to reattach my intestines and get rid of my colostomy bag is in less than 2 weeks, on Wednesday, October 25th. I am definitely nervous about it. Everything from getting an IV to having my intestines reattached and eating afterward without ripping my intestines apart, to the pain after surgery.  I am afraid of the IV because nurses tend to have a really bad time getting an IV in me and I have to be stuck several times. When that fails, they may try to give me a midline, which is painful. I’ll find out this Thursday at my pre surgery appointment what the guidelines are for me eating, but whenever I’m allowed to eat I’m going to be afraid of a whole lot of pain and torn intestines. I am also going to miss food, as I’m guessing I won’t be able to eat for awhile. And  I am dreading the pain when I wake up from surgery. I was in a lot of pain when I woke up from the surgery that gave me my colostomy bag, and this is supposed to be more major surgery than that.

At the same time, I am so thrilled that I won’t have to live with a colostomy bag anymore. I just have to get through this surgery (well, possibly two more surgeries depending on how things go) and I will be back to normal. I am so excited that I am counting down the days.

I’ve been busy the past couple of weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time hanging with friends and reading. I am excited about my new secret sister. I’m in a group that just started a secret sister swap. You get a name and address and some basic information about the person, and then you send them little cards and gifts. You also pray for them. In April you find out who your secret sister was. I need to get creative with my little gifts.

I am taking a break from writing and instead focusing on reading and researching. It refreshes me. You can’t take water from a dry well, or withdraw from a bank account you haven’t been depositing in. Well, I have withdrawn and withdrawn from my creative account and now it is time to make some deposits by reading.

Angelica’s 4th birthday was on October 4. We had her party on Sunday the 8th. Vicki and Joel, my inlaws, came to town for it and my parents and my sister were there too. My parents brought a pinata and she had a blast with it. She has been munching on the candy all week. She loves all her gifts.

Signs

Last night Craig was sleeping with his head on my shoulder and I just realized I’ve been given a second chance at life. In another generation having diverticulitis and a hole in your intestines would be a death sentence. Your intestines would leak and you would get sepsis and die. But modern medical technology, as gross as this bag is, allows me to have a second chance to live my life and be with my husband. And that’s a beautiful thing because I can’t imagine being without him. And I can’t imagine leaving him alone to spend his days and nights by himself and raise our daughter alone.

Nonetheless I woke up this morning depressed by my bag. As I was sitting on the sofa feeling tired and depressed, Angelica randomly brought me one of my Bible devotionals. It was open to a page about guardian angels and I realized there’s an angel around me. I’m not alone. I have an angel watching over me. It gives me some comfort.  Maybe my guardian angel was convincing me to go to the hospital on the day my intestines opened up. I was in pain, but I couldn’t imagine that anything was seriously wrong so I was on the fence about going to the hospital. I almost didn’t go. If I hadn’t my intestines might have leaked and I would have had sepsis and died. I can’t imagine leaving Angelica motherless.

Later on I opened the devotional myself to a random page and the page landed on was about trials and tribulations. It was about God rewarding you at the end of a trial. This is a trial to me. But if I can get through this I will be rewarded with abundant life when it is over – if I draw closer to God.

It’s funny how these devotionals can really speak to you and just the way you need in times of stress and duress. It’s the workings of God.

Significantly Overweight

“You’ll have to lose weight.”

“Am I really that overweight?”

“You are significantly overweight.”

That was my conversation with my doctor.  I am always aware of my weight, just as I am my hair color and complexion. But I never really felt bad about it.  I used to be small and now I am big. Still the same person. And I don’t mind being fluffy.

But now I have a doctor telling me that the surgery to reattach my intestines will go a lot easier if I lose some weight.   And poor eating habits (a diet very low in fiber) may be what got me into this debacle.  So maybe I do need to eat healthier.  I don’t want to lose a lot of weight, but even 20 or 30 pounds would probably make things easier for the doctor, prolong my life, and prevent this from happening again.

To that end I am making some changes. I went to the grocery store today and I got Caesar salad kits, pre cut broccoli and cauliflower, apples, grapes, and high fiber granola bars. Tonight, for the first time in my life, I ate salad for a meal. It was actually enjoyable, although I admit that I missed lasagna. But I’m still going to eat lasagna and other types of pasta. I’m not going to deprive myself. It’s just that for some of my meals I’m going to substitute oatmeal or salad or broccoli in for some of the unhealthy foods that I usually eat.  This should slowly but surely bring my weight down.

I am also going to order this special contraption that turns a regular bike into an exercise bike. That way I can start getting some exercise in the house. My foot never got better and surgery didn’t correct the problem, so I still can’t go on the long walks that I miss so much. I have a bike sitting in the garage that I bought this past summer, but I have found that I don’t like riding my bike in Moyock with people driving around me going 55 miles an hour. It scares me and I have to be so alert that I can’t even listen to music while I ride. However, it’s a nice bike and I would like to make use of it so this may be the perfect solution. And I can buy some sort of machine or Fitbit that tracks calorie burn. I will play music from my computer and just enjoy challenging myself to see how far I can go.

Change is a difficult process for everyone, and I am sure I will be no exception. But I am open to the process. I figure if I can find healthy things to do and eat that I actually like I am more likely to stick with this lifestyle change. I like food I bought today it just isn’t as sweet or cheesy as I am used to. Normally I hate salad but what I did was I got a Caesar salad kit instead of a regular salad and I found that I actually like the Caesar. I like the dark romaine lettuce and I like the Caesar dressing. If I have to force myself to eat salad I didn’t like all the time it probably wouldn’t work out. It’s hard to force yourself to do something you detest for extended periods of time. But by branching out and finding a salad I like I have insured that I will continue to eat salad. Same with the granola bars. I picked caramel granola bars. I know since they’re sweet I’ll eat them but they’re also high fiber bars so I’m getting some good nutrition out of them. This way I’ll actually eat those instead of letting them rot on my pantry shelf as I am wont to do when I end up not liking a food. If I like the exercise bike it won’t be such a chore to get on it. And if I can just listen to music and enjoy myself it may even become something I look forward to doing. When I was younger I used to ride my bike every night for one to two hours. It kept me thin in spite of my extremely bad eating habits! If I coupled eating healthy with exercising over the next six months until my next surgery I could be a world healthier than I am today.

Why Me

A week or so before we left for the trip and this whole health fiasco happened with my stomach, my husband put on an old episode of Mother Angelica.  In it she talked about being in a situation where she was asked to do things she didn’t feel capable of doing and she kept wondering why me. So she prayed to Christ and said, “why me?” And he answered her, “why me?”

I remember thinking how profound that was, and that maybe there was a reason I needed to hear that. Then two weeks later I am in the hospital with a hole in my stomach. A week after that, my stomach has been pulled through my skin and I am excreting into a large, uncomfortable bag.

At a time like this, it is easy to ask, “why me?” I have had a hard year with two surgeries and a bone infection and being on PICC line antibiotics for weeks. And now this. And I’m only 28. Why the hard year?

But then why did Christ, who was blameless as a flower, have to suffer on the cross and die. By rights it should have been someone who did such a terrible wrong that they earned it, but He was white as snow and still had to pay with His crimson blood for our sins.

My troubles are so small compared to His suffering. And life is not fair. And our Father takes care of all of us. And why not me? Diverticulitis is going to happen to someone. Why not me?

If I’m smart, I’ll use this trial to draw closer to God. It’s hard to imagine, but it is probably what I need.

Bag of Humiliation

Some things are just a humbling experience. Having a bag attached to you in which you pass gass and excrete with no control about when or how loud or where is simply mortifying. My stomach finally started working with the bag last night while the nurse was in the room with me and it was terrifying because it was so embarrassing.

I can’t believe I’m going to have to live like this for three to six months. Or that other people do it their whole lives. How will I bear being close to people and how will others bear me? How can I go to public places?

I am literally going to have to change my very conception of self and surroundings. I am going to require more mercy and compassion from my husband and other people. I have to hope and pray they give it to me, or this will be a lonely time in my life.

I don’t feel sexy. I feel disgusting and gross.  This is messing with my identity, but then I remember  that I should have my identity in Christ. To put it crassly, God loves me but everyone else thinks I am nasty.  I am still a poet and creator. I am still a wife and mother.  I still have a place in the body of Christ.

But I feel so repulsive and isolated.