The blister is open where the money is.
Lie down,
Removed from the vicissitude of skin.
The pit of mercy,
His own money,
Leaves her hungry.
A proud pit, a deep pit.
The development of such objects
Unbearable as it is unacceptable
He wanted his place,
His needs eternal,
And so he did something dark.
In the budgetary bay,
the crabs are unaccounted for.
I am an oyster tending my pearl
with irritation and resentment.
Ripples have a mob mentality.
On the boastful shore,
a rabid fox is proud of his dry air.
Rain is the equalizer.
You will end up under my curves.
Your lips will manifest as stamps on my skin,
Your authority the book I read all day.
You peck at my boundaries,
mysterious weapon
of want and need,
Ascending from sin
To pure release.
The pure cleanliness of innocence,
Or the unclean marketplace desires?
To be friendly
or experienced?
Our sons come with the scope of power,
With the confidence of a multitude
fed on the milk of love
and grown in crocheted glimmer.
They will learn from a trick candle
How to live.
Our daughters?
They come with blood,
to give birth to thorns.
Among the piqued daffodils
my body of silk.
Nothing has touched me
but a phantom with a ribbon.
The friction of lace on my
lowest, basest secret.
The clouds are pearlesque,
my skin a pearl casing I wear
because elegance is getting
cheap as talk.
Born from my animal mind,
her breath cascades
over my breasts.
Her hands peel the lace sweetly,
sweaty.
A few weeks ago I signed Angelica up for a monthly subscription service called Time4Learning. It covers language arts and math, with an optional science curriculum.
It is kind of cool because it covers things that we hadn’t even thought to do, but are expected of Kindergartners now, like solid shapes, what an author and illustrator are, table of contents and other parts of a book etc. It reinforces other things, like letter sounds and prepositions. Today we reached a lesson with listening comprehension, and practicing that might be especially good for her receptive language issues, even if those issues make it harder for her to do the activities. It has begun teaching her rhyming, which we hadn’t gone over yet. So it is keeping her education well rounded and giving us ideas on what to teach outside the workbook curriculum. There are quizzes after every few lessons, and it keeps a record of grades that I can see at the parent portal. She actually asks to do these videos sometimes, whereas it has been awhile since she has asked to do the workbooks. She likes the interactivity of it I think. They aren’t the most compelling videos, but she likes having something to watch and listen to.
I am realizing that maybe instead of Christian Light Education workbooks, or in addition to them since they are so inexpensive, I probably should have gone with my instincts and paid for the video series put out by BJU. Videos seem to be her thing. I think there are still workbooks that go with it, which is good since she needs to practice writing. But maybe she would rather watch a video than listen to me teach the whole time. I am going to look into a computer game curriculum. I don’t know if there are any, but something engaging like that with lots of teaching and clicking might be good for her. Every one has their own learning style, and on top of that she is not exactly a traditional learner. So anything I can find that she can at least mostly follow along with, will enjoy, and will hold her attention is worth investigating.
I have been dying to learn new things, and after reading a book called, “Don’t Go Back to School,” or something to that, I have decided to listen to iTunes lectures, buy textbooks, use online MOOCs and other learning programs, AND to start taking notes on what I learn so that I remember it. I have actually done a ton of nonfiction reading over the past ten years over many subjects, but for some reason as my mood swings got worse my memory got worse and I just wasn’t retaining things like I wanted to. But when I was in school, I could always retain things by taking notes. Rather than using some notebook, I am using a colorful notepad app that lets you add notes in literally any color. You choose the color you want from the color spectrum wheel. It is so bright and fun to look at my notes! I have my phone with me a lot, so I can review what I’ve learned whenever and wherever I want.
I am starting off by taking some little Coursera courses. Right now I am going through a class on gender roles in Korea. It is fascinating! I am enjoying taking notes. I have so many other courses I am going to audit as well, and so many books I am going to read. I found a really fun book online about philosophers who were unlucky, or very unskilled, in love. That should be really fun to read and learn from. I love any form of biography, I love humor, and maybe I’ll come across some philosophers I want to study in depth. Starting this week, I am really diving into things. I like to keep my mind honed, to stay interesting, and to challenge myself. These are my goals. I want to stay interesting for myself and my husband. I want to learn about the world for my own edification, and to broaden my horizons in my writing. When I don’t learn anything new I start to feel so dull, and my writing feels so flat. My imagination slows. I believe that education should never stop. It enriches the soul, creates human connections, and builds character. I feel more like myself when I am studying something.
I finally took the plunge and bought a domain name today. I had a horrible time picking between so many options, but I decided to use one that describes who I am on a daily basis. It gives me subject matter versatility (a housewife can be a writer, a reader, an artist, anything), and I love headcovering with my veils. Headcovering is an important part of my walk with God, inspired in me by the Holy Spirit.
I have been running low on memory, so I knew I needed to buy a hosting plan and that plan came with a domain anyways. I got so sick of those awful, tacky ads that my free hosting was putting on my little blog, so that was another good reason to get a domain name and hosting. I have been mulling over the choice of a domain name for weeks and have been paralyzed by indecision. I think though that this was the right choice. I hope so anyway.
Life has been busy lately. I’ve been doing a ton of digital creating. I have also started learning new things, reading new things, and studying a new devotional. Last weekend I got to see one of my best friends. She lives down the street from my old house we just sold in North Carolina. She came out to Colorado on a family trip, and we got to meet up for dinner and ice cream in Denver. It was so good to see her! I missed her as soon as we drove away. I can’t wait til we meet up again.
Today we went to church. I had some anxiety during all the singing, but overall it was a good service. The sermon was about Communion, and the difference between the Catholic view (transubstantiation) and the Protestant view. Personally, although I am not Catholic, I believe in transubstantiation. It was really interesting though.
I knew something was off when I woke up this morning, late. Before I even left the house with Craig and Angelica, I could feel that something was wrong. Dark, moody. I went to the Exchange with Craig for him to get his haircut, and then we ran over to the commissary to get a few things. The whole time I felt so unlike me, walking as far as I could ahead of them to avoid them and be alone. Then we ran an errand for me and I felt so absent minded. And I was dying to get away from everyone.
Craig offered to take us all home, but I made the unfortunate decision to go out to lunch as we originally planned because I didn’t want to ruin any weekend plans – or I tried to. We got our menus and sat down, and then I started flipping out about everyone and everything. So we left, and I felt terrible once we were gone for losing my mind like that. It made at least some sense at the time, but afterwards it struck me as bizarre. Everyone and everything has been upsetting me, pissing me off, irritating me, and making me feel lonely and frustrated all day…..and no one has done anything wrong. My mood is just so uneven and angry. I felt awful. I am one of those people who almost never yells about anything. I mean, once in awhile I lose my temper or get really upset just like everyone else does, but I go months at a time without raising my voice at or about anything. And when I do, it is for a good reason. But I just started yelling.
I don’t even know what to do. I felt calmer when we went home and stayed home for awhile, and I have been taking my medication as directed. I can’t even tell whether I’m high or low. I knew as soon as I opened my eyes that something in my head was wrong, but I am confused. I feel more depressed than anything else, but usually if I get angry or frazzled it is mania. Some of my hypomanias are really pleasant feeling and I am the queen of goodness – and the queen of spending money, high sex drive, and painting things bright colors that aren’t supposed to be painted at all. But once in awhile, in hypomania or mania, I get super on edge. And it is always miserable. For some people being on edge comes with depression, so I could be depressed. But for me it has always been my highs that have the potential to make me feel that way. I may be high and low at the same time, what is called a mixed state. I have had lots of physical energy. I am just mentally cracked and peeling. I certainly don’t feel happy, and the thought of dealing with other people infuriates me and terrifies me. I want to check the mail right now and I am afraid I can’t because I don’t want to run into a neighbor and have to talk and try to plaster some phony smile on my face. I can’t deal with talking to anyone right now. I am struggling to hold conversations with Craig and Angelica. I don’t have it in me to face a neighbor. It has been hard writing this post so far. I have to backtrack and correct repeated words and other stuff. My mind is all over. My head is pounding.
I think maybe I’m depressed and I tried to push myself to go out and be around people, and I just kind of cracked. Maybe depression can turn into feelings of unease and anger if I try to hard to push myself. I just don’t know. I havae a lot of energy for someone who is depressed. I want to use Lucy, my light therapy box, but I am not sure if I should. If I’m depressed, Lucy will help. If I am high or mixed, Lucy could make things worse. Much worse. I don’t know what to do. I feel like jumping out of my head. I think I am high and low.
This day has been a disaster, an embarrassing disaster. And I am so tired and fraught in everywhere. I am socially frazzled, mentally on edge, physically I am starting to burn out but I’ve been burning birhgt all day. I am hyper and worn. I am energetic around the house, but the prospect of speaking with people makes me want to scream. I wish everyone in the neighborhood would evacuate and I could just take a walk and not risk seeing anyone. I long to take a walk and I can’t . I’m afraid if someone spoke to me I would scream or cry or yell. I cannot see anmore people.
Miniature Moon 