Category: diary

I Need a Kindred Soul

I need a friend. I have friends, a few at least. And I love them. But what I wish I had was one more friend, a friend who likes phone photography or writing poetry or taking still lifes or journaling or painting or collage. A friend I can do creative challenges with, or even start a separate blog with to post collaborative work or stuff that follows the same sort of theme or concept.

I think that working with someone and bouncing ideas off each other would make my creativity stronger. I would certainly love the companionship and having someone to talk to about creativity, either written or visual. It would be fun if we were doing the same thing, but it would be equally great if we were doing two different creative things and just talking about them with each other, and giving each other suggestions and keeping each other posted with our progress.

I feel like I run on and on about poetry and other artsy things to friends that aren’t interested in them. And no one wants to be the person in the room who talks for an hour about something no one else in the room is interested in! But it’s hard when almost no one is interested in something that you really love.

So many creatives throughout history have been shaped by other creatives that they were friends with. I would love to have someone like that in my life and I would love to be that someone for another person.

I am not an amazing artist or photographer, but I really like designing images. I wish there was someone I could talk about it with. Maybe we could inspire and challenge each other. Perhaps we could give each other ideas outside of one another’s usual subject matter or mode of creating in order to sharpen one another’s senses. Why not try mixed media? Or instant film and toy cameras? Or ekphrastic poetry based on one another’s photographs? Book binding? Incorporating ephemera into our art?

Blogging helps me work some of my Creative Energy out. Blogging is extremely important to me. But maybe through my blog I will make a serendipitous discovery of a kindred soul who might want to be an angel in my life and let me be an angel in theirs.

This is probably a long shot, but maybe someday somebody will find this post and a beautiful friendship will spark. I know it’s unlikely, but it’s always worth a try. If nothing comes of it, my life will continue in much the same way and I will not have lost anything. And I have a good life. But if I do find that kindred soul, how happy I will be! If I don’t open my doors no one will know that they are welcomed into my life.

Iron sharpens iron, and friends are priceless. Is anyone out there? Hello….Hello……

Lost Sleep, UMW

The night before last I could not get to sleep til past midnight because my house was spiritually active. It has been for the past couple of days. That night in particular I heard loud running and banging while I was laying in bed. It went on and on. At first I thought Angelica had gotten up and was running in the hall. She does that sometimes when she is hoping we will wake up and tell her she doesn’t have to sleep in her room. So I got up and checked. No Angelica. I went to her room and she was sound asleep. And as soon as I turned my back in my room and closed the door, it started again. It lasted til past midnight.

Then at around 2 or 3 Craig woke me up when he got up. He turned the fan off and the change in ambient noise woke me up immediately. Interestingly enough, he said he turned it off because he had left it running when he went to bed (hours earlier than I did because of his early shift), and when he got up to go to the bathroom or something it was turned off. He turned it back on for himself, but assumed I’d want it turned off again when he got up.

I never turned that fan off.

So yesterday I was too tired to even homeschool. I didn’t have the clarity of mind to teach, so Craig taught Angelica when he got home. I did dishes and ran some clothes in the dryer and that was about it. I broke my social media fast because I didn’t have enough power of thought to do anything else.

Last night I got more sleep, but still got woken up around 3 – this time because of the super loud creaking of the bathroom and bedroom doors as Craig moved around getting ready for another day shift. I can’t win! I finally started to get some sleep around 5:30 or 6, and then Angelica came in to cuddle and talk. So sleep was over!

I am just trying not to let this sleep loss affect my mood. Losing sleep is sometimes very bad for me.

My volunteering with United Methodist Women begins at the end of the month. I am going to be the editor of The Torch. I am attending the meeting and then people will give their articles and meeting minutes to me over the weekend and I will put The Torch together in Publisher. Then I’ll take it to the church copy office to run copies and fold them. I am looking forward to meeting everyone (and praying my anxiety doesn’t act up). Being the editor of the monthly newsletter means I have a spot on the executive board, so I am going to try to make some of those meeting this year. Unfortunately they are all on Friday, and my babysitter has her homeschooling enrichment program on Fridays. So I can only go when Craig has the day off or has certain shifts.

I think I will volunteer for the card making ministry as well. UMW makes cards by buying simple cards and attaching the front of one to the back of a card they have made themselves with their own message inside. I can do that. I am not a card maker, but I can cut and paste. If they need donations of card to use, I may do that too. I collect some really nice cards, Hallmark and Papyrus.

 

Pike’s Peak

Today my wonderful family and I drove to the top of Pike’s Peak, a 14er in our town, Colorado Springs. The views were breathtaking. We stopped at a couple of pull offs and got some really pretty shots, and we spent a little time at the shore of the reservoir.

Unfortunately I didn’t get any pictures at the top because there was no view. There was thick cloud cover at the top. But I got some other pictures of the family and a couple of other nice ones looking down from various points on the drive.

Social Media Detox

I turned off all social media for 8 hours today, from 9 to 5. It was definitely an interesting experience because it has been so long since I have been off social media.

On one hand it kind of exhausted me and gave me some anxiety. I’m a person with a mood disorder and an anxiety disorder and the truth is I find it hard to be in the present moment all day long. The sense of hyperfocus makes me uneasy. And it’s very tiring. It turns out I’ve been using the senseless dopamine jolts of Facebook and Instagram to regulate mood and anxiety. Never a good idea.

Overall though it was quite wonderful. I got extra housework done. I painted and photographed the paintings. I blogged. I read Bible stories to my daughter, taught her about praying, played her bowling game with her, and we pretended we were sailing on a boat together. I also took her out in the yard to play some wiffle ball. In the morning we did homeschooling.

I read articles and I’m taking an interest in more blogs than I already do, and then print Publications like the Atlantic. It’s been awhile since I’ve read the Atlantic, or Creative Nonfiction, Time, Psychology Today, and others, and I miss them. I’ve been so focused on the web that I have forgotten about other things. It is time to pull away from constant web interaction in focus on reading quality content. Not just statuses.

Even when I got on the internet today, I used it more productively to focus on articles and information. I think I’m going to get into historical research again.

Tonight I am settling in for some magazines and books and I can’t wait.

Social Media Control

Every 5 minutes my phone pops up with some notification from a social media app. Sometimes it is Facebook telling me I have a like or a reply to one of my comments. Many times it is Instagram telling me I have a like or that people I follow have new stories. Or it is WordPress even, alerting me each time someone likes a post or follows me.

I have installed App Blocker on my phone. I just want to experiment with what it would be like and how my productivity would be affected if I blocked social media for a certain number of hours a day. I’ve decided to start by blocking Facebook, Instagram, and WordPress from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. I will still be able to blog on WordPress during the day by using a web browser to type my entries. I just won’t be getting notifications. Of course at the end of the day, when the app allows notifications to pop up, I’ll go through all my notifications and see what everybody is up to on their blogs and mine. But during the day I want quiet to create and clean.

It isn’t that I don’t care about this stuff, because I definitely do.  With Facebook I like to keep up with people, and having moved across the country it’s a good tool to use to see what everyone’s doing. On Instagram I follow all sorts of artists, writers, and inspirational people and friends, and even people I’ve never met in person but I follow them and they follow me because we are interested in each other’s lives. I enjoy  looking at people’s diaries. I have an art Instagram, a bookstagram account, and my regular one that’s a diary of my daily life. So obviously I like Instagram. I just feel that it gets distracting to always have these notifications and something to check on my phone from these apps. On WordPress I like to see my followers or likes so that I can check out everyone’s blogs. And I like to see who is enjoying my posts. But I will save that for mornings and evenings.

I just need to spend more undistracted time with my family. I want to spend more time reading, writing, and creating without dividing my attention. Maybe I’ll come out of this realizing that social media and all the likes or comments or stories don’t really distract me that much, or that I miss them. But maybe I will find that I have a cleaner and more organized mind and a better sense of focus. We’ll see.

Tired, Productive

I barely got any sleep last night, so getting up this morning was a struggle. Luckily I did get up on time to get Angelica to Vacation Bible School. She enjoyed it and at the end of the day I picked her up and watch the little closing ceremony. She refused to take part though and decided to sit with me instead, so there wasn’t much for me to see. She did show up on the slideshow once, but it was a picture of her back.

While Angelica spent the morning at Vacation Bible School, I did actually get stuff done. I won’t say it was a hugely productive day but I did some cleaning and some laundry. And as tired as I felt I am pretty proud of that. I also did some reading. And when I picked Angelica up we did homeschooling together. Despite a low mood I managed to clean, do laundry, get Angelica to and from vacation bible school and sit through the closing ceremony, and homeschool. Then we took her to the speech therapist, but that is the subject of another post. So all in all I would say it was a successful day. I will be able to cross out most of the tasks in my productivity Journal. I was too tired to write and every time I attempted painting my mind would just blank out. So I wasn’t able to do very much of the creative stuff. But I covered the essential daily tasks.

Christian Bookstore, Diet, Domain Name

Angelica has been going to Vacation Bible School this week. She seems to be having fun and they do nice activities. Today she got a little picture frame to take home with Legos around the border. So far though when we talked to her it doesn’t seem like she’s actually learned anything. Maybe the messages will sink in later. But we ask her what she learned about God and she’ll say well we played. Then we’ll say, what did you learn about Jesus? And she’ll say we danced.

Craig has been home for the past few days because it is the time in his rotation where he gets a few days off. So we have been spending the mornings together running errands or just enjoying some quality time before we pick up Angelica. We love the Christian bookstore we went to. So many good books! And there are a lot of homeschool supplies too.

My diet is going well, knock on wood. I think I need to cut back a little more but I am still losing weight. I am so grateful for that.

I’m trying to pick a domain name for this site. I have done a little bit of remodeling on the page, and I would like to go ahead and buy a domain and make everything complete. Plus, if I buy hosting I get more memory. And I’m running low on memory. I’m considering several options for names, but I’m open to suggestions.

I am probably overthinking it, but this is my special little space on the web and I want it to have a good name. I’m torn between something functional, like the Veiled Housewife, and something creative/poetic like October Glow. More people will find the first one, and as I write about head covering and submission sometimes it might make sense. Plus, I like reading blogs by other stay at home women, so it might be nice to be listed as one. At the same time I really like the idea of something super creative and poetic, even if it will never show up in a search engine and some people might not understand why it has the name it has.

Some ideas:

Filigree Moon

November Snow

Sapphire Sea

Pelerine Journal

Red Telephone

Glitter Ghost

 

Changing Dreams

I have always wanted to have books of my poetry published. I wanted to be a professor as well, although publishing was always the priority dream. But I wanted to teach at the college level, and I wanted to have books published and to travel the world and do residencies and win grants. I wanted to get my MFA and get a doctorate.

A lot has changed over the past 10 years. My mental issues have frequently been intense. They have left me a bit too tired to pursue a stressful life. But I think impacting my dreams as well is my happy marriage and my wonderful child and my beautiful home. The truth is that really ambitious people are hungry for it, and at this point in my life I’m just not hungry for it. I’m not saying I’m not writing poetry. I write poetry all the time, by hand and on my phone. And I like to revise it, and to do projects where I use Google Translate to create new editions of the poems and edit those. It is just that I have submitted to one magazine this year (and got accepted!) Poetry is my passion. I am blooming creatively, producing more than ever, since I stopped submitting.  But I have felt less of a drive to do the endless book publishing competitions and to send my work out to magazines. I may still try to get a chapbook published because I have another one waiting in the wings and I tend to enjoy chapbook publishers the most. I like the format and I like the creativity that goes into them.

I just like enjoying my home life and focusing on creating. I want to focus on writing, not submitting. I like to pick up additional creative outlets like blogging, painting, bookstagraming, and editing photos too. I like to spend my time reading. Any time spent searching through thousands of literary magazine or book publishing competitions takes away from doing what I really love – writing.

Once upon a time this wouldn’t have mattered to me. I was so ambitious and so determined, that I would do any amount of drudgery to get published and to achieve what the world would consider to be a measure of success. I wanted to get my voice out there to a reasonably large audience. But now I’m not so sure. I’m comfortable with my life and I’m happy with how much time I get to spend creating, and I don’t want to cut into that time. Maybe when I’m an empty-nester and I’ve reached a new phase of life I will feel differently and try to get published more. Maybe even in a year I will feel differently and go back to submitting my work.  I do understand that without doing the work of submission I will not  be successful,  at least not by the common definition of success. But for now I’m happy with the chapbook I have published and the few magazines that I have been in. It was an honor to be accepted by those publishers and I cherish that.

I guess I’m so busy living a happy life that I don’t really care if other people think I’m successful. I know that I have a good life, which is more than what some of even the most successful people can say. I have a family I adore and I spend all day doing what I love. Maybe it is enough for me to publish my creative work on my blog and just be happy with the readers I have. I appreciate the readers I have. I love to blog. I don’t love submitting my work to magazines

Maybe I am just not an ambitious and type A person anymore. I am much more relaxed and softer. Or maybe my ambitions have just changed. I literally have my ideal life. Happy family, a beautiful home, an amazing collection of books to read, and tons of time to write and do all sorts of other creating. As the years go by I may decide to go back to publishing and I may develop professional ambition again. But for now I like just putting my work out there on my blog and spending time doing things that I love. I am perfectly happy to put my poems out in front of a few people and just enjoy the process of writing more than anything else. This makes me a very different person than who I once was. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but I will tell you I’m a happier person than I was.

Maybe a joyous life with the family you love and days spent doing what you are passionate about is the best ambition to have, and I have met my goals. Besides, as I write I am building a greater and greater volume of poetry to submit to magazines so that when I decide I’m ready again, I will have a lot to work with. And I will be much more practiced at the craft because of all the reading I have been doing and all the hours I have been putting into writing. So hopefully I will come out of this period of reclusion a better writer.

It is time though for me to acknowledge that I am at a different point mentally and emotionally. I have only submitted to one magazine this year. My work has been accepted, which is very exciting. This magazine  is one I really believe in. At this point though, I need to reconsider what my values are and where I am in my life, and what I really care about. Because I make time for the things I really what to do, and I have not been making time to submit. I think I just needed a break. The question is how long the break will be. Right now I feel like my life is a beautiful creative retreat, and I want to focus on that rather than the business end of things.

Body Love

My diet is getting harder and harder, although I am still pushing along. But one thing I’ve noticed is how much self love I have and body positivity. I think I look beautiful at this slimmer weight. I am curvy and happy even if I am chubby, and I like myself. I like what I see in the mirror. But when I weighed more I still liked myself and liked what I saw in the mirror. I simply didn’t like the fact that some dresses didn’t fit and it was getting harder to shop. But I have always loved my body and been okay with whatever weight I am at. And I actually think that makes dieting easier for me. I’m not trying to learn to love myself. There’s no pressure because I already do. And I don’t have emotions of guilt if I go over my calorie limit because I know that I am fine either way. I just try to stay strict to meet my goals, not because I feel less than worthy if I fail.

My husband has been happy with me at every weight that I have been since we have gotten married, and I have fluctuated wildly. If my husband is happy with me, then I am happy with me. The important thing is looking good for yourself and your spouse.

And of course as a woman I am supposed to be in competition with other women. But I’m really just not. If another woman looks good, and I think women of all shapes and sizes can look good, that I just appreciate the beauty and move on with my day. I don’t compare myself. And if I don’t think she looks good I don’t judge her, realizing that someone else will think that she looks gorgeous. I’m gorgeous and she’s gorgeous. But who’s going to recognize that in either one of us is a matter of personal taste.

I don’t compete with anyone. I am me, take it or leave it. Fat or thin. Or chubby, as is the case right now. I feel confident and happy with myself. I try to take care of myself and look good, but I am not concerned with the judgment of others. I just want to be happy and to look good for my husband, and I have been very lucky that he always thinks I am beautiful.

Shopping, Books, Creativity

Today I went shopping for regular size clothes. I got to go shopping at Macy’s briefly with my mother and I found a dress that day that fit, so I hoped I could do a whole shopping trip and find clothes in the regular Department that fit me. I went to dressbarn, tried on about 15 dresses, and all of them except for one fit, and that one didn’t fit over my bust. I was wearing 14s and 16s. Then I went over to Marshalls next door and I found Calvin Klein dresses in size 14 and size large. They all fit me and they look great on me! I am so happy! I have a long way to go but it feels so good to finally be able to shop in the regular sections of the department stores. There’s so much more to pick from and it’s so much more flattering. I am trying not to spend too much money on clothing since I’m hoping to keep losing weight and I don’t want to run out and spend hundreds of dollars only to have the clothes not fit in 2 months. Plus, having too much clothing stresses me out. It’s just too much laundry and too much organizing, so anything that cannot fit in the three drawers that are mine in the chest of drawers does not get kept. So in order to keep these dresses I’m getting rid of some of the other ones that don’t fit. I’m going to keep one or two to paint in since I don’t want to ruin these nice dresses, but some other stuff has to go.

I have been reading everywhere lately. I’m still working my way through the wonderful new books that arrived while I was in Virginia. And on top of that I have been downloading books on Google Play books and on Kindle and reading those too. I am even getting into some contemporary fiction, which I almost never do. One of the books I’m currently reading is very surreal and it’s about being a woman and about the body. There’s one very creepy story in there about a woman with a green ribbon around her neck. And I’m finding books about painting and books about walking in faith and Christian women throughout history. So much good stuff. And of course, poetry as always. The white piano is really good. I keep going back to that one. And I am absolutely drowning in sci-fi and horror to read. It’s such a pleasure!

Many of the books that I like to read cannot be bought for an e-reader or phone. Most poetry only comes in book format. But for the books I’m finding online that do come in an e-reader format, I’m debating downloading more often than ordering a physical book. I will always prefer the wonderful weight of a book in my hands and the fresh smell of the paper, and I will never stop ordering flesh and Bone books. But at least sometimes it might be a good idea to get digital copies because our library is filling up so fast. Truthfully it’s already overflowing. Craig and I own so many books. The library spills into rooms and pretty soon, and fax now since we have so many books to resell to get digital copies because our library is filling up so fast. Truthfully it’s already overflowing. Craig and I own so many books. The library spills into rooms and pretty soon, and fax now since we have so many books to shelve that are new, we need more bookshelves. Plus there’s something nice about having at least some of your books be portable and come with you without having to pack anything. That way I can read at the mall or in a parking lot or waiting in line at Taco Bell or anywhere.

Today I tried to do a little bit of schooling with Angelica. The babysitter had already done some with her. Our wonderful babysitter does educational activities every time she comes. But I decided to help Angelica work on the letter b this afternoon. She made some progress but handwriting is slow going. She seems to pick up on the handwriting quicker than she remembers the sounds that the letters make though. For some reason she remembers what sound the letter Z makes and it always makes her happy, but the other letters she doesn’t really remember yet so we’re going to keep working with the flash cards. And I’m going to keep letting her play her little educational games on my phone. Maybe she is like me. I have always adored the letter z.

Her curriculum should be here in the next couple of weeks and then we will get started in earnest.

I am downloading as many textures and creative programs as I can to create little collages and digital pages. The one in this post is one I just made tonight. I borrow the photography from all over and use different frames and filters and borders and textures to create something that describes my mood or something else in my life. I think the one tonight is pretty fitting.