Empty House

Angelica has started school, and it feels beyond strange. My beautiful baby girl isn’t at home with me anymore. I dropped her off at school this morning and now here I am – sitting on the porch swing with no one to cuddle. Angelica always follows me to the porch swing to cuddle.

She was psyched on her first day. She woke up super early and couldn’t get back to sleep. I got to walk her to the gate, and then into the playground. I cried. I tried to stop myself, and I held the worst of it back for later, but I cried. Her teacher was really sweet. She passed around tissue packets to parents and included a sweet little poem about leaving your child with their teacher.

I went to a breakfast to meet other moms. They seemed very nice. Volunteers are needed in Angelica’s classroom. I need to figure out what I can commit to. They are seeking weekly volunteers, as well as party plans. The only party I might be good at is a Halloween party, and it looks like they won’t do those, so I’m out of party planning. I might read to the class.

I know Angelica will learn a lot, make friends, learn new skills, and have fun. Craig and I made the right decision. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t have tears in my eyes right now.

Praying she has a good year.

Allowance, Friends, Her Future

Angelica has been doing work to earn an allowance lately. Fundamentally she has to have a perfectly clean room at the end of the night. If she does, she earns a quarter. This morning she is earning an extra quarter by bringing a load of her father’s clean clothes upstairs. Naturally she has to take more than one trip. I appreciate it because getting up and down the stairs is a lot and the fewer times I do it a day the better. She is really enjoying earning money for different things.

Neighborhood kids have been coming over to play constantly. It gives me joy to see her play with other kids and have so much to look forward to! Lately our home has been fun central with kids circulating through. Sometimes one of the girls is here for hours. Angelica is so happy!

Academically Angelica has really been blossoming. Her love for science bodes well for her academic future. She wants to go through the books we have. She also loves to watch video clips about a variety of subjects. YouTube kids is a great way for her to learn and see different things. I really like that app. It’s great for parents because you can add what channels you allow your child to watch.

I really wonder what Angelica will be someday. Will she be a scientist? Storm chaser? Video producer? There are so many things that she could be. It’s fascinating to watch her bloom. That’s the thing with kids. If you plant a rose bush you know you’re going to get roses. When you make a baby you have no idea what you’re getting. What is my daughter becoming? Whatever it is I can’t wait to see. She might be a hairdresser or an artist or own a grocery store. She can do anything. It’s all dependent on her aptitude, interest, and work ethic. This is one of the joys of being a mother. Giving your child the resources and then allowing them to become what they are meant to be.

Shy, Parsnip, Mother’s Day

I feel so private, so shy. Earlier in the week I submitted to two magazines. I hadn’t done that in a long time. There is a poet group I want to join, but I can’t even fill out the paperwork. Putting myself out there feels exhausting and violating – especially because they talk about giving readings and things like that. I have never been an extravert. In fact, I have been very introverted my whole life. The older I get, the worse it gets. There is a group of horror writers I want to get plugged into. I am excited about it, as I really love reading horror, have supernatural experiences at home, and I want to write fiction.

The thought of going to a meeting sucks my spine out of me.

Forcing myself to go would be good for me. I would love to find inspiration and meet like minded people. Being there would probably be spectacular. The thought of going gives me butterflies. Not even butterflies. It gives me moths.

Parsnip has a new enclosure that Craig built for him. It is in the library, which gives him more sun than he got in the laundry room. There are plenty of pros and cons for parsnip. He is now enclosed in a much smaller space. It’s more fun and definitely cozier, but it’s smaller. When he was in the laundry room he got to go out and run around the house a lot more. He was shut into the laundry room while we were sleeping or when I had to go to a store, but he spent a lot of hours a day running around the house. Now he doesn’t. This us partially to minimize possible future damage to the house. My little bunny has already caused trouble. Part of it is because this new enclosure doesn’t have a way to open the gate. He has to be put into his enclosure from the top. So if we let him out to run around the house and we aren’t available to really really watch him and follow him he could run into trouble. If he needs to eat, drink, or use his litter box he can’t get to it. So he can only come out of the enclosure at certain times. It was possible to make an enclosure that would allow him to get into it, but then it wouldn’t be secure enough to keep him from getting out of it. Parsnip is a fuzzy genius. Craig actually stapled the walls of the pen to the plywood.

We took Angelica out front on her skates. She doesn’t yet know how to skate per se, but she walked in the skates. Her balance was amazing – especially considering we haven’t been teaching her. We need to take her to a rink.

Mother’s Day was lovely. Good food, good gifts, good time. My daughter picked out a pretty watch for me. Craig got me two pieces of art from a local gallery, and another gift that I am not sure where he got it. We grabbed lunch at that cute little French place. I feel cherished

Submission

The decision to have another child has weighed heavily on my mind since Angelica was born, but now I have my answer. I have taken the decision to my husband, the head of our family, and he has decided that we are not having anymore children and are making our birth control permanent.

I’ve been praying for guidance and reading Scripture, but I forgot somewhere along the way that this major life decision doesn’t fall on me alone. My husband leads and covers me, and he has the final say so. He would never force me to do something I didn’t want to do, but part of submission is wanting to follow your husband’s leadership. My husband has decided the best decision for our family is to ensure that we have no more children.

A chapter in my life has closed. I will never again bring a baby home from the hospital, or see my baby’s first steps or hear first words. I am sad that this part of my life is closed and gone forever, but I trust God. If Craig feels this is the best decision for our family, maybe the Holy Spirit has put that on his heart. At any rate, God gave me my husband to provide for me, protect me, and lead me and I trust his decision. He’s a godly man and he’s thinking of the family’s best interest and mine. He puts us first, and putting us first he concluded the best thing for the baby and for me was for me to not have more children. And if it is my husband’s choice that I not have more children, and the Scripture is pretty clear that I am to submit to my husband, then not having more children must be the right choice.

Still, it may take some time to process this. It is a major decision. But I love my husband and know he will always do what is best for the family. He takes care of us. And if he feels it is in our  best interest for me to stop having children, he must be right. And I would certainly not disrespect him or undermine his authority by insisting on having more children.

This is where the beauty of submission lies. I was so stressed out, feeling like I was facing an impossible decision alone. But I forgot not everything is my decision. Sometimes wives forget that. Our husbands are the heads of our households and if you are grappling with a major decision, well, maybe you shouldn’t be. Let your husband lead. I always try to make submission and Biblical femininity a priority, but I forgot too! This decision, which has been so hard for me, was made easy when I took the issue to my husband and listened to what he had to say. He was clear about what was best for our family and what he wanted. If I had let my husband take the lead from the beginning I never would have gone through this turmoil.