Category: diary

Homemaking Part 1

I am reading a wonderful inspirational book about homemaking titled The Life Giving Home. It really gives some great suggestions for making a house a home and making sure that the home environment you have created for your husband and children is one of warmth and relaxation and unconditional love and acceptance. There is so much from this book that I want to write about. Mostly good stuff. But I’m going to start out with a post about some aspects of the book I cannot relate to.

The book emphasizes making your home warm and hospitable for everyone who comes to stay or comes to visit. Almost no one comes to stay with us and we almost never have visitors. I am an introvert, but beyond that my husband is downright antisocial. When I want to have visitors over and do something social and welcome people in, he does not want to. So if I’m creating a good home environment for my family it will realistically be one that does not have the doors open to people who are outsiders. Pleasing my husband must come first and he does not want our home to be the center of any entertaining, at least not any entertaining that he has to be a part of.

I would like to have friends over now and then and I can when my husband is not home. But when he is home or if it is a couples activity it simply doesn’t work. But my husband accepts me with all my quirks, and I need to accept him as well. The most important thing is that I create a home that is beneficial for my husband and my daughter. My husband benefits most from having a place to retreat from the world and social interaction, and so I want to create a home filled with things that he loves to do and things that he likes to look at in order to create an environment of peace for him.

Someday, if I have the pleasure of becoming part of a creative community, I would like to be able to welcome other creatives in the my home and discuss books and art. I would like to provide finger foods and nice little drinks, and make my rather extensive library available to anyone who is interested. But I don’t know if I will ever be part of such community. It is so hard to meet people. And if I ever am, for the most part it would probably be best if I attended gatherings at other peoples’ houses unless my husband gave me the okay to hold some get-togethers at our house. Making my husband feel at ease in his house, making it a place that he enjoys coming home to and relaxing in, is priority number one. Essentially, making it a home for him is vital. So that is one type of advice in this book that I personally would have to say has to be ignored for some of us. Whatever you are doing to try to make a home you have to base it upon the needs of your individual family, and my husband needs a retreat from the world. He likes to come home to his loving family, and generally speaking, to no one else.

The other thing that strikes me is all the fancy traditions that the writers of the book, a mother and daughter team, talk about as being important. Of course they suggest developing your own traditions but the amount of work and creativity and thought that goes into some of these things that they do is astounding. Some of them are easy things that I already do, like saying to read your children books. I already read my daughter books. But some of them are elaborate Valentine’s Day projects and elaborate meals and tons of decorating for the holidays. I like to decorate for the holidays a little bit. I do enjoy the holidays. But I have poor organizational skills and I don’t like to overload my house with supplies for any given holiday because then I have to cope with the anxiety of taking it all down and finding a place for it. As for fancy meals, we are people who order pizzas. I’m a horrible cook and my husband, who actually likes cooking, still prefers take out or eating out most of the time. I want my daughter to have fine memories of our meals together so I need to find a way to make them sweet and intimate without necessarily being Gourmet. I am thinking that we should make a habit of praying before meals when we eat out in public. I know about that verse that says not to pray in public like the Hypocrites but to keep your prayers private, but I don’t think that it applies to this as long as we’re praying quietly at our own table. And she and I cuddle a lot when we go out to lunch or dinner so we spend some good time together. When we eat at home I think it would be good to start eating at our lovely little dining room table more often. I want Angelica to have beautiful memories of family meals around that table.

I need to get more creative with the stuff that we do together, Angelica and I. But I am just not what you would call a Pinteresting person. Hand me a pile of popsicle sticks, construction paper, doilies, and watercolor paints and I’m just going to look at you with a confused expression in my eyes. So much of what these women suggest doing is very creative. And I consider myself a creative person. I am a poet. I write poetry all the time. And periodically I practice art. Soon I will be taking up abstract painting. But what I guess it comes down to is not that I’m not creative, but that I do not think like a child. I am not childlike at all. It’s just not in my nature. So I don’t look at kids craft supplies and think we could make this fun activity that would last all month long. I am horrible at coming up with stuff like that and to be honest I don’t really enjoy it. When Angelica gets old enough to tell me that she has developed particular interests of her own, I’m going to try to share in those interests with her so that we can bond. But as long as it’s all on me to come up with things I don’t think it’s going to happen. Plus I’m not sure how good the memories will be if we’re doing something that I actively dislike. I want to build fond memories for my daughter, but I also want to remember having a good time with her and if I have to spend hours preparing something I barely know how to prepare and making it awful at that, I feel like the memories will be marred. I feel like on some level she will know that I did not enjoy it and that I did not want to do it. Kids are perceptive that way. I’m hoping to involve her in things that I like to do, like painting and scrapbooking. I am thinking of starting a stamp collection and maybe she would want to do that. And of course like I said if there was something particular that she wants to I would be glad to do it with her. So if she decides that she wants to take up dance or tennis or softball, I will participate as much or as little as she wants. I will be at every recital and game. But I just don’t have it in me to come up with kids’ projects.

I do want to make sure though that Angelica is enjoying her childhood. I want to make sure this home is a place of joy for her as well. She has a lovely room with lots of toys and parents who adore her. Are there any memories I could make with her with my skill sets that might actually be special to her and that she would get something out of? That’s what I have to figure out and give some thought to as I go through this book. I will never be that crafty cutesy mom. I admire women who are that way but it just isn’t me. I have to design a home life where my family will grow and thrive, but I need to find a way to do it within the scope of who I am. I don’t know how to be anyone else. And it needs to be a restful haven for everyone in the family, including me.

Journaling, Virginia, Diet

I have been neglecting my darling little blog because I have gotten so invested in paper journaling. Currently I keep one journal to record my daily mood, what I’m reading, a prayer, what I’m grateful for, and my goals for the day. I then write a diary entry in that journal. Then I have a productivity journal where I keep track of other goals for the day and the amount of time it takes me to achieve them, and I track my weekly goals in there as well. Then I have a journal that I am writing my hand written poetry in. I still write a lot of poetry on my phone, but I decided that it opened up different avenues of creativity in my mind to do some of my writing by hand. I have yet another Journal where I write what the Word has said to my spirit. I have been practicing Lectio Divina. After I spend time letting the Living Word of God speak to me, I write down what I have learned and reflect.

So I am keeping four journals and I just bought another so I might start writing more. I just haven’t decided what to write about. I have become rather obsessed with the handwritten. This is kind of ironic since I have such abnormally terrible handwriting. I’ve really been making an effort to improve it though, or if I can’t improve it to at least write slow enough that what I write is legible.

I need to get back into blogging though. I really love my little corner of the internet and I need to post more poetry and snippets of my daily life.

On Wednesday, in the dark hours of the morning, Angelica and I will be flying to Virginia to visit my parents in Virginia Beach. Hopefully my sister will be able to come down from Richmond to spend some time with us as well. We will be there for 2 weeks. It’s definitely exciting, as we have not seen them since we moved here at the end of February. It will be so nice to go to the beach with my mom and the movies with my dad. Angelica is super excited. I just hope she handles the traveling well. She has never flown before. And I am somewhat apprehensive about flying on my own with a child. Craig cannot go on this trip.

I will really miss Craig. I never go anywhere without him. He is my best friend. It will be hard to not see him for 2 weeks. Of course with deployment I have gone 7 months without seeing him, but once he’s home I very quickly get used to having him around. Being apart for any reason is always an adjustment. But I still can’t wait to go see my family.

I don’t want to jinx it, and if I don’t want to lose my progress I’m going to have to be extremely strict on this visit with my family, but I have been on a diet for about 2 months. Maybe a little less. And I have lost 30 lbs. I really want to keep it up. And despite getting by on much less food than I usually do I still have energy and I feel pretty good.

I just got some new poetry and some new science fiction, so I have a lot of great stuff to read. I have a couple of more books in the mail but they are sold by third-party sellers so I’m not sure when I will get them. Hopefully tomorrow, as I would like a full range of choices as to what book to bring on the trip. I doubt I’ll have very much time where I want to sit down and read since I’ll be doing a lot with my family, but I do like to unwind with a good book in the evening sometimes. Well, all the time.

Today I got a new Bible in the mail. I ordered it to have a Bible to bring on the trip. I have a beautiful rainbow Bible that will always be my favorite, but it’s so special to me that I don’t want to risk it getting damaged by traveling with it, and besides that it’s kind of big and I was hoping for something smaller. But I must have misread the website because I thought that this new Bible would be much smaller than it is. It’s a really nice Bible with commentary in it for women and all sorts of notes at the bottom giving information about different things. I’ve been perusing it today and I like it. But it is definitely not any smaller to bring on the trip. If I can somehow fit it into our cramped suitcase or our cramped backpack I will. I really want to have a Bible with me and my rainbow Bible is just too special, and I like this women’s Bible too. But it is just not that small. I’ll have to see what I can do. Maybe I’ll have to bring one of my little devotionals instead. They do have Bible verses and interesting commentary. I ordered this Bible though for the trip, so I hope I can fit it.

Baby Violet, Mountain, Family

A few days ago Angelica dressed her baby, Violet, up in one of the dresses she wore as a baby. She had a blast. She really loves that baby doll. I got Violet for Angelica on her third birthday. I also got her a bassinet, a bottle of juice and a bottle of milk, a baby bathtub, and some blankets and accessories to go with Violet. My hope is that she will pass Violet onto her children as I have passed my Holly and my Buffy to her. I hope to keep Violet in the family for years to come, as I do Holly and Buffy. I hope she doesn’t just have boys….

Right now Angelica is playing with Grace, our babysitter. I have been reading and writing, and I ran out for awhile. First I picked up a few new towels at Bed Bath and Beyond.  Then I drove up Cheyenne Mountain. The view from there is beautiful. You can see the entire town and across the prairie for miles.

My Uncle Jerry is coming Tuesday. I am looking forward to that. He has never met Angelica before. Uncle Jerry was a great uncle to me. I am looking forward to him meeting, and getting involved with, my daughter. I am excited to see him! I haven’t seen him in five years.

We got our plane tickets to fly out and see my parents at the end of June through early July. I have only been away from home for a few months, but it feels much longer than that. I am looking forward to going to the beach with my mom and to the movies with my dad. At some point while we are there I hope to see my sister. And I know Angelica would love to hang out with Aunt Bridget.

When She Becomes a Mother…

Someday, I hope my daughter will be a mother. This is a picture of her at church on Mother’s Day holding the carnation I was given. She really wanted to hold the flower!

Seeing my baby with babies of her own will undoubtedly be bittersweet, but I do want to see that. I hope Angelica loves being a mother. That is the important thing. Women that love being mothers do a better job with their children than women who don’t. The experience of motherhood is so wonderful and refreshing, and I hope that she can really embrace that joy.

I hope she doesn’t sweat the stupid stuff. There is so much conflicting parenting advice out there. Really though, you don’t need advice at all. Use common sense and figure out what works for you and your kid. I want her to know that she doesn’t answer to anyone but God for her parenting, not even me. There is no perfect guidebook. Parenting books are interesting to read, and if you find something in one that is of interest then by all means use it. But it is not necessary. She will know how to raise her child without being told.

I hope that she comes to me when she needs a break. She should have a babysitter too, especially if she doesn’t live near me. There is nothing wrong with having a babysitter and getting time to yourself. But Angelica should know that if she needs a break I’ll walk up the street (or fly across the country) to come and take care of my grandchildren while she and her husband get some much needed time of refreshment and relaxation. Having time to yourself makes you a happier person and a better parent, and I hope that comes across to her as she grows up and sees how I do things. Don’t be a martyr. If you truly don’t want the time off that is one thing, but if you do you should take it.

She should document as much as she can. I sometimes drive my daughter and my husband nuts with all the pictures I take. But at the end of the day I have all these memories and scrapbooks preserved. I do not have the best memory anymore. Photographs will help me relive the best years of my life when I am old, and will give me a legacy to pass down to Angelica so that she can view her own childhood and have that to keep. Sometimes it is good to stay in the moment and just enjoy it, but overall it is better to have a camera or phone. You’ll never get that moment back, so preserve it.

I hope that Angelica has the opportunity to be a mother, and I will help her in any way I can if she does. If she does become a mother, I just really pray that she loves it and that she makes the most of her memory making years, and that she is confident in her decisions and maintains her identity.

Little Friend 1

Yesterday we went to Lowe’s looking for an aerator. While we we were there we ended up walking through the garden section I fell in love with a type of flower, one in yellow and one in orange.  I’ll post the yellow one later.

These flowers are my new little friends! They are so cute and were so adoptable. I now have them potted and in front of the porch. I’ve actually never bought my own potted flower before. I love my little friends. I need to name them. I think the yellow one might be Sunshine (original, right?), but I’m not sure about this one.  Tangerine would be cute, but she isn’t really the color of a tangerine. She is so fiery, like the sun. Maybe I will name her Corona. Wait, that goes together! Sunshine and Corona! And they are sisters!

I’m so happy!

KonMari

Today I went through my closet and threw out 3 full, heavy bags of clothes I don’t want anymore. Some were just plain old, some stained, some too big or too small, and some that I no longer like. I used the KonMari method. If I took it off the hanger and it didn’t spark joy I put it in the bag.

There’s a few things left in the closet, most of which I will probably get rid of. I am on the fence about a few things. Lately I’ve been wearing the same 7 or 8 dresses all the time, and it finally dawned on me that those are the dresses that I like and look good on me. If I liked the 20-30 dresses in the closet I’d be wearing them. But I haven’t worn them in weeks.

I have a new system for my dresses (which is all I wear except for the occasional skirt). I don’t hang them up anymore. I put them in the chest of drawers. This is for two reasons. The first is that I hated putting away my clothes. I have always loathed hanging them up. I can’t explain why. It isn’t hard to do. I just hated it. Well, we recently got a new bedroom suite. We got a bed with built in drawers and compartments, and then a chest of drawers that Craig and I share. One day I decided that since I hadn’t used my share of the drawers, I should put some dresses in there just to alleviate the pressure in the closet. Then I discovered that I loved putting my dresses in the chest of drawers! It didn’t stress me out or feel like a chore at all. I am happy to fold them up and put them away. Now, since I’ve started doing this, I put my clothes away as soon as they are out of the dryer.

The second reason is that I want to limit the sheer number of clothes that I have. My side of the closet was brimming with dresses of all lengths, colors, and styles. It was too much. Even if I had liked all of them, that would be too much clothing for one reasonable person.  By keeping my dresses in a finite number of drawers, I am limiting how many I have. I never want more than 12 dresses at a time. Right now I’ve got about 7 or 8. When those new dresses I ordered fit me I can add four more.  After that, I need to start getting rid of dresses as I buy new ones. Initially I probably won’t even notice because as I go down in size I’ll simply be getting rid of things that don’t fit. But when my weight finally settles at a stable point, I will keep it to about 8 dresses – 12 at most. If it won’t fit in my share of the drawers, it doesn’t stay (or get bought, if I’m not willing to part with anything I already have).

This will also decrease the amount of laundry I have to do, which makes me happy. Back when I used to try to make use of all those dresses I had way too much to wash and put away.

What else can I throw out? What else can I simplify? Soon I plan to replace my old towels and get some more. But that doesn’t really count as cleaning stuff out since I’ll be replacing them. I did a huge purge of craft supplies before we moved. That felt good. If I don’t start scrapbooking again soon, I may consider parting with a lot of my scrapbooking stuff. I don’t know why I don’t want to scrapbook lately, but I haven’t in months. I am so focused on digital stuff and on writing and reading that I just haven’t wanted to.  Tomorrow I think I will go into the craft room/office and just look through my supplies. If that inspires me to start working on some stuff, then great. I won’t start til Monday since my inlaws will be here tonight through Sunday morning and I’ll undoubtedly be busy with them. But I’ll at least go in and see if I feel inspired. If not, I’ll consider what to do from there. Past a certain point if I keep going through my stuff and don’t want to use it, it is time to clear the space and part with it.

I got rid of some makeup yesterday. So that was a good start. I organized the remainder in my brand new vanity that Craig put together for me. I threw old prescription meds in the trash.  That was healthy – and a mark of organization. I don’t need the meds so they don’t spark joy.  (Whereas every time I see my Lamictal I get a little shot of bliss.) What’s next?

Weight, Gown

I am down almost 10 lb in 2 weeks. My wedding and engagement rings have actually gotten looser and fit a lot better. They were too tight before. I was wearing them, I always wear them, but they were really tight. So far I can’t see a big difference in the rest of my body except that my waist is a little bit slimmer. But I know it takes time. Mostly I’ve been really pleased with myself for sticking with it. A thousand calories a day is definitely an adjustment. But so far I have been strict and firm and it’s been going great. Just the fact my rings aren’t too tight anymore shows that something is going on. And it’s harder to see a difference in yourself when you look in the mirror everyday. Often other people that haven’t seen you in a while can tell easier whether or not you’ve lost or gained weight. So I don’t know whether my weight loss is visible or not but it is possible that somebody who hasn’t seen me in a while would immediately notice a difference.

I have a long way to go but so far my results have been encouraging.

Craig and I have a ball to go to, a big one, and on Saturday we went shopping to find me a formal dress. At the first store we struck out.  We went to David’s Bridal and I found a dress that fit me but I wondered if it was formal enough and it didn’t really have any style or flair. So we tried another shop across the street, a locally-owned shop. They had absolutely stunning dresses in all sizes with a lot of artistic flair. I got a dark blue dress with jewels all over it, mermaid fit, sheer up top and down the back (but not in a trashy way), sweet heart neck line, with a whole bunch of tulle that flares out at the bottom. I will definitely post pictures of it the day of the ball, which is May 11th. Tomorrow I take it in to the tailor to get it taken in, shortened, and to get bra cups sewn in.

Today the new vanity that I ordered arrived. It’s sitting on the front porch right now because the box is 80 lb and I can’t lift it or even slide it enough to get it into the house. So I just go outside and check on it once in awhile, but living on base is pretty safe. I can’t wait for Craig to put it together. I’m really looking forward to having it. It’s a beautiful vanity and having it will enable me to clear a bunch of makeup and other supplies off our cluttered bathroom counter.

Diet, Freedom, Clock

As of the Saturday before last, I have been on a serious diet! I lost six pounds in 8 or 9 days. I love my diet because it is based purely on the idea of calorie deficit. No going to the gym, which I hate. No taking long walks, which hurts horribly because of my bad foot, although if someone ever fixes my foot I’ll be taking five mile walks every day in no time. I don’t have to give up any foods that I really like. I just have to eat much less of them. I take in 1,000 calories a day most days, occasionally going up to 1200 or 1300 for a special meal out or just to keep my metabolism up. It’s great because I’m realizing I actually feel better and more awake when I eat less. And I’m not missing any foods or drinks. I can have a cup of juice or a Soda Stream soda. I just have to deduct it from my daily calorie count on the MyFitnessPal app. I love that app. The only function I really use is the calorie counter, but it is so useful. It has the calorie content of many foods in its database, so you can usually just search for something and the calories will pop right up, even for many restaurants. And even when they don’t have the specific brand or restaurant, you can find the general, approximate calorie count by searching for the generic name of the food.

I really hope the weight loss continues. I’m on a diet for several reasons. The first, and what inspired me to start last week,  is clothes. I ordered some beautiful dresses from a British company I love, and of the six that I bought only two fit. That lit a fire under my ass! Fundamentally, I don’t mind my weight. But I love clothes and when I can’t fit in clothes it is time to lose weight. Especially since these were not small clothes. They were size 18.

Another benefit is that losing weight makes me less likely to have a flare up of diverticulitis again and end up with another hole in my intestines and another major surgery. Not to mention the misery of wearing a colostomy bag. Doctors aren’t sure why extra weight contributes to diverticulitis, but studies have shown that it does.

Anyways, wish me luck. So far it is going really well. I hope it doesn’t stop.

FREEDOM! The outpatient program was a good, supportive program. Peak View, at least the outpatient side, is good. I finished last Friday. But when Monday morning rolled around and I realized my time was my own and I could stay home with Angelica I was thrilled. It is so nice to have my mornings and my days free. I’m free! I’m free!

Craig bought a grandmother clock at a local furniture store and it got delivered and assembled this morning. Craig loves it. I’ll admit it is a good looking clock, but that constant chiming is going to take some real getting used to. I hope it ends up feeling homey and serene, rather than being an annoyance.

Church Pews, Birthing Chair, Secret Compartments

Today we went furniture shopping and we did something a little bit wild. We bought two church pews. They are white and wooden and one is longer than the other. We are going to use them in the formal living room to be our seating there. I love the idea. It will be beautiful to have a little slice of the church in my very own home. Now I just have to find beautiful pillows for them. We found them at an eclectic furniture store called Platte furniture. There was a lot of really nice stuff in there, some old some new. There’s a grandmother clock that Craig is really interested in and the employees are going to see if they can get it to chime correctly again and if they can we will probably buy it. Craig really likes clocks. Angelica fell in love with a birthing chair. It’s this old, little wooden chair with handles on it and babies have been born on it. Personally the fact that people have given birth on it put me off a little bit (a lot of bare butt and vagina have probably been on that chair, along with all the products of birth) but Angelica loved it and Craig liked it too so that’s going to be a little extra piece for our formal living room.

Then we went to another store and we found a bedroom suite that we loved. It doesn’t come with a dresser and the reason is that there’s a bunch of drawers built into the sides of it and built-in underneath the bed. It also has a mirror and built-in lighting so that one partner can stay up reading while the other one sleeps. It has secret compartments. Seriously. You have to feel around and find them. It has outlets for charging phones built-in, and it has a tray on each side that you can slide out to have a place to put your drink at night. Admittedly the finish is not my favorite. Nice but not my favorite. But the functionality was unparalleled by anything else that we saw. I prefer other finishes but I absolutely love bed sets that have a lot of compartments and shelving and places for books and drawers and that sort of thing. Throw in a light for reading and I’m all set! So we bought it. The bed is being delivered on Thursday and the church pews and birthing chair are being delivered on Saturday.

Park, Patio, Planes

Today was a positive, busy day. We started off our day going to the museum on base. It is an aviation museum and had several planes, including one that we got to go in and explore. We also got to go into the original hangar from when this base was just a regional airport owned by Colorado Springs. There were all sorts of exhibits and it was very technical but still interesting.

 

I took Angelica to the park with my next door neighbor A and her son Matthew. This is the third time since we’ve moved in that Angelica has gotten to play with another kid. It makes me so happy to see her interacting with her peers and having fun. Where we used to live in Moyock Angelica never had anyone to play with and the neighborhood was really lacking in amenities. There were no playgrounds or parks. Here they are all over the place (we even have a neighborhood splash pad and skate park) and Angelica has so many places to play, and I have been meeting people. I hope to get involved with the base chapel and go to some Bible studies.

Learning to play is definitely a work in progress though. I noticed that today when Angelica was playing with Matthew, and I noticed that last night when Angelica was playing with R’s son. She gets upset with other kids easily and doesn’t always know how to go with the flow. In typical only child fashion she also runs off by herself a lot. She’s never really had the opportunity to be around a lot of kids. She’s never gone to preschool. She doesn’t have any siblings. She hasn’t gone to an in-home daycare in a long time and cried and begged to be kept at home when she did last go to one. Angelica always longs for other kids to play with but until we moved here it didn’t seem like she was going to have very many opportunities. Here I am working on making friends for both her and me and it seems like she will have more kids her age to play with. We met another mother today who has a daughter who is also named Angelica, and we met another neighbor with a little girl named Piper. Then I am making a couple of new friends out in town and they have kids her age. I am still trying to get us plugged in but it seems like there is so much more Community here.

While we were at the park Craig put together our new patio dining set we bought at the Exchange a few days ago. It is red, which I love, and super comfy.  It has six chairs, a glass table, and an umbrella. We have a big covered back porch here and I want our next project to be getting a patio sofa. We have room out there for both.