Tag: life

Freedom Through Art

Every single week I create some sort of visual art. Sometimes it is photography, other times painting or mixed media art. Sometimes I do random collages on my phone, or other digital art. Creativity is important to me. I like to use different materials and I am obsessed with color.

However, I am not an artist. At least not by the common definition of an artist as someone who is professional and highly proficient at art. I have absolutely no training, which I’m sure shows! I have not taken a single painting or mixed media class in my life. My senior year of high school I was fortunate enough to be able to take an independent study in photography and I definitely learned a lot in that. But that was when I was 18, and I haven’t had any training since then. I’m sure I could use it!

I create art because I love to do it. For me it’s very therapeutic. I am a writer, not an artist. My preferred medium is poetry. Due to my obsession with color and sometimes with texture, I still feel the need to have another outlet besides words.

Art changes me. It gives me a sense of freedom. Art prevents my life from becoming mundane. Although I do go through periods where I focus on the written word more than visual art, and other time periods where I just feel stuck creatively, art keeps my life fresh. There is always another color combination to paint or another technique to try. As I dive further into mixed media there is always another materials try to use.

On the surface, my life would probably seem dull to anyone who took notice of it. I am a housewife. I do not have any sort of job or attend any kind of school. My days are scheduled around my husband’s work shifts, my daughter’s tutoring schedule, her speech schedule, and my doctor’s appointments. Nothing sounds too exciting there. What no one would guess is that art keeps my life absolutely fresh. There’s always something new to do. While cleaning or driving to appointments might look the same everyday, every time I approach a canvas or a piece of paper it’s different. I can always try something new. My life never gets monotonous. Of course, part of that is my poetry, but a lot of it comes down to painting, photography, and other forms of visual art.

Ankle

Today I went to see the surgeon in Denver for his opinion. My doctor in Colorado Springs recommended that I do that since the problem with my ankle bone is uncommon and pretty severe. This doctor reiterated that the problem was severe, and that I would never have a normal joint again, but he gave me a brace to wear and the name of a special kind of shoe to buy. The doctor said that I may have no choice but to do surgery right now, and I definitely will not be able to avoid surgery in the future. However, every surgical option I have has a very low success rate. Sometimes people even get worse. And on top of that they are not permanent. There is nothing that can be done, from taking out a piece of bone from my hip and grafting it into my ankle bone, to finding me a cadaver match, to fusing the ankle and getting rid of the joint and the movement all together, that has a high likelihood of success. Of the three, fusing the joint and getting rid of it has the highest likelihood of success. However the downside is that when you do an ankle fusion you have a good chance of getting arthritis in your foot from having to use the middle of your foot too much. Then you can end up having to get your foot fused. If that happens you have no movement anymore. That’s not good. So he said that fusing the ankle should be a last resort.

He also said that a good section of my cartilage is pretty bad. My leg bone is also damaged and deteriorated. There’s evidence that the first surgeon in Virginia drilled into my leg bone for some reason. There is appears to be a drill hole going through the bone diagonally. He didn’t say that that’s what has caused my leg bone to be damaged. He wants to see the notes from that original surgery see what exactly was going on. But he cannot fathom why that drill hole is there. I doubt it’s exactly helpful, but we will see if there was a good reason for it. But part of the leg bone is damaged, and that connects to the cartilage that’s pretty much shot, and that connects to a damaged ankle bone actually missing a chunk of itself.

The doctor was very kind and patient and he also made it clear that it was my choice. If the bone proves to be infected I don’t know what I have to do. I have to get blood work done this week to determine that. If it’s infected that might throw a wrench in things. Beyond that he said that surgery is my choice and that I could give some thought into which kind of surgery I would want to do. I highly want to avoid surgery for as long as possible, so I’m going to be giving this brace a chance for a few weeks and get those special shoes. If there was an option for surgery that had good odds for success and would last at least a decent amount of time I honestly would prefer to just have surgery and get it over with. Suffer now to have my thirties and forties be pain free, or almost pain free, and be able to walk long distances like I used to and take the stairs without worrying. But since my chances are not good with any of these surgeries I don’t want to take that plunge if I don’t have to. If the brace and special shoes can give me enough relief for at least a couple of years, I would like to hold off. I really hope I will get some relief.

Reinvigorating my Creative Life

I have returned to writing in the past few weeks, and I have tons of poems to post as we start 2019. My painting has been full of experimenting.

To jumpstart my creativity, part of what I am using to keep myself inspired is the planner I wrote about before that was custom designed for me. Seeing everything written out that I should do each day, from reading to writing to learning, helps give me that accountability. I write for the love of it and because I have images in my head that just must come out. But the reality is I frequently don’t feel good and doing anything can be difficult. This week in particular has been hard. But I am creating.

I have used the times Angelica has been getting tutoring to read, write, and blog. She gets tutoring for an hour at a time and rather than just sit there, I get stuff done. The new environment is actually stimulating.

I may start doing digital poetry, in this case meaning poetry on images, and I definitely want to start using dyed and cut up words in my paintings.

Collages are in the cards. I also want to do still life photography around the house with journals, art supplies, salt, flowers, bibles, etc.

I have a few little plans in the works and I am looking for more. I want to be as creative as possible this winter

Gratitude for my Attitude

Each season of my life, whether it be winter, summer, my twenties, my thirties, or homeschool life I have so much to thank God for. He has created a great world, and blessed me with the opportunity to enjoy so much of what the world has to offer.

-I am thankful for all the talented artists who make dazzling, cute, or unique things to look at or buy.

-I am grateful for my church and the little opportunities I have found to serve there.

-I am grateful for my Kindle. Although I can only buy a few paperback books at a time now due to space restrictions, I can have tons of books on my Kindle.

-I am extremely grateful for the good health of my family.

-I am grateful for Christmas

Just a few thoughts on my mind.

Customized Planner!

I’ve been dying to get a custom planner. So many of the planners advertised as being custom online really just mean you can add your name to the cover page or choose your background image. That’s nice but it really wasn’t what I was looking for. I wanted a custom layout with very specific areas of accountability and goal setting. There was nothing on the market that really covered what I wanted. I wasn’t shocked since what I wanted is pretty specific and kind of a random combination of things, so I decided to try to see if someone makes custom layouts.

I found an awesome girl named Leah on Etsy who sells printable planner pages. I emailed her and she said that she would custom design something for me. I wanted to incorporate everything from daily creative goals to scripture study goals. I wanted some color on it. She took that information and design something perfect with every single category I was looking for lit up in rainbow colors like I asked.

Side A and side B. I am absolutely in love with this layout and I have printed a ton of pages already. I started on this planner this weekend and it’s making me really productive. I have every category of creative goal listed, and all my basic housework for the day with space to write in additional tasks that should be done. I can keep track of my mood and monitor my mental health. I list what I’m grateful for and that’s a great way to start the day. I have a space for specific things that I need to do during the day and overall goals such as dieting goals or certain attitudes I want to have or something like that. I’ve got space to keep track of scripture study and prayer. I’ve got a section for self-care to remind myself to slow down at least enough to do a couple of basic things to maintain my mood. I have a homeschool section where I can both set daily goals for what I want to cover with Angelica and keep records to record what actually happened in homeschool that day. Sometimes we end up covering subjects that I didn’t plan for or not covering things that I did plan for. So it’s dual parts planner and record keeper.

I really think this planner will make me more productive. With every kind of goal laid out and everything listed that I should be doing I really have a lot of inspiration to get working. Realistically since there are only 24 hours in the day, and since I don’t feel very well for some of those hours a lot of the time, there will probably be many days where I don’t meet every category in my creative goals list and do homeschool and clean the whole house Etc. But having these things written down reminds me to do things and gives me clear-cut goals to achieve. It provides me with inspiration, and if I am having a fantastic day I might actually get a lot of it done. It keeps me accountable. 

Sometimes I feel so dulled or tired or depressed that I stretch my mind to even think of things that I could do. I can’t think of things that I might enjoy doing and it’s hard to get up and do the things that I know I should. Having something in front of me that lists everything and with little spaces to be specific or to check off if I’ve done something might give me a push. Hopefully my faith section gives me the reminder I need to turn to God and get to know Him better even in times when I want to crawl into myself and slam the door shut.

This planner is absolutely perfect and now I need to start using it to make the most of my daily life. I’ve just begun my 30s and it’s time to be serious and productive. I want to do things that matter. I want to make a beautiful home for my husband, give my daughter a wonderful education, and spend my time doing things I love to do. No one knows how long they have.

Goals for my 30s

My 30th birthday was yesterday and it was fantastic. I am so grateful to my family and friends who made my day special. Now I want to set some goals, or at least try and write out my thoughts and get a sense of direction so that I can do that.

  1. I need to decide what to do with my writing. I’m going to try and figure that out this week. I write. I studied creative writing in college. I’ve been in magazines and have a chapbook published. What should I do in my 30s? More magazines? Hopefully try to get the chapbooks I’ve written in the past two years sent off to some potential publishers? Try to get a full length book published? Do I want to self publish? What do I need to do to feel satisfied with my 30s when I turn 40? Where do I need to be? 
  2. I want the wonderful magazine I edit to grow and to support more excellent writers. I get more pleasure out of reading the writing that comes into my inbox for the magazine than anyone knows. Not all of it is right for the magazine, either because it isn’t polished and ready or because the style or subject just doesn’t fit. But I’m grateful to read all of it, and it gives me a thrill to hit publish on a story or poem that I really like. I started the magazine at a decent pace and then put it aside for awhile because of health, hectic living, and travel. Now I’m back. I really want to build it up.
  3. I want to homeschool successfully. It is very important to me not to send Angelica to public school, and while we will consider private school, ideally we will give her her education at home. This fall has been the beginning of our homeschooling journey. But for the next decade (and beyond) school will be in earnest. It is my goal to give my daughter a personalized education suiting her interests and at a pace that works for her. I want her to enjoy learning as much as possible, and to develop the character and discipline to learn the things she needs to learn even when she doesn’t want to. My emphasis though is on tailoring everything to her interests and abilities. I don’t want her to have the mass produced, cookie cutter education of the public schools. I am making a commitment to making education a part of our daily lives, whether we are sitting down at the table formally with sums, or learning about ecosystems from a Netflix documentary, or about post modernism at the art museum. I want this to be interesting and organic for Angelica.
  4. Today I am committing to giving more of my time to learning something new. I love nonfiction books, coursera, edX, and MIT open courseware. I adore documentaries. But I’m not always focused. I want to make a more conscious effort to spend regular time absorbing new information. I recently bought a book about the history of syphilis and its effects on various historical figures. I’m also studying a book about the changing structure and politics of the family throughout the long middle ages.
  5. My 30s should be a decade of art. I paint a lot and I do digital collage. I’d like to branch off into other things too. I’m not an artist. I suck. But it’s therapeutic to creative visual art, and it renews my mind for my writing. Never be ashamed of being creative, whether the outcome of that creativity impresses other people or not. I like to share it because it is cathartic, but it’s for me – I don’t do it for other people.
  6. I want to travel. We’ve traveled this year and I want to do more.

I am going to keep thinking. I feel like I need more or different goals. Most of this is a continuation of or recommitment to things I already do. I feel like there should be something new in my 30s. I just like the life I have now though.

A Quiet, Snug Thanksgiving

Our Thanksgiving was lovely. Craig had to leave for work at 1 and didn’t get home until 10, so we had our meal in the morning. He made fresh cod for Angelica and I. For all of us he made saffron rice, seasoned potatoes, and biscuits. Everything was delicious! I am so grateful that I have a husband who is good at cooking and genuinely enjoys it. I loathe cooking and completely suck at it, so it is always good when we can compliment one another.

Soon after we ate, Craig had to get ready and go in to work. Angelica asked to play in the bathtub. She likes to do that sometimes – just get some toys in the bath and go play. She even wore her swimsuit instead of going in naked. I let her use my bathtub because there’s so much more space and it’s deeper and it is in a big bright room with a window. Angelica actually stayed in for about three hours. I kept coming in to check on her, and she wanted to stay in. I had to let water out and rewarm the bath several times. 

When she was done, I had already been hanging out in the craft room making moving collages (adhered nothing down except the washi tape of course) on scrapbook paper. Angelica and I started to work side by side in an explosion of ribbon, washi tape, tulle, and stickers. She used some holographic rainbow paper I had. I used some simple tie dye paper. Angelica really loves art supplies and gets so excited to pull out all these colorful, joyous things. I hope her love of creativity will blossom further as she gets older. 

After that we went downstairs and snacked and watched tv. I cleaned the kitchen intermittently throughout the day. It took me a few loads through the dishwasher to have everything ready. Even now, the next day, there’s some stuff that I need to wipe down out there. This morning has been spent relaxing as a family, plus doing some small housework tasks. G, our babysitter, is here now. I’d like to go out and go to the bookstore and some craft stores, especially craft stores, but I don’t know if I want to drive or shop on Black Friday.

Ice, Shopping, Magazine

Yesterday our world was smothered by ice. A fog rolled in during the afternoon, and then all of it froze. Every blade of grass was covered in white icing. Every street was a skating rink. It was too risky to drive anywhere, so we stayed in by the fire. Our house feels so cozy with the new sofa and my new painting and my lamp decorated for the autumn/winter season.

Today I went to At Home, then drove for awhile, then went to Trader Joe’s. I came home and began to work on revising and posting some poetry, when I suddenly got so tired I had to lay down. I just got up. The only reason I’m up is because it was time for our wonderful babysitter, G, to go home and I wanted to hear about Angelica’s day and sign G’s log book for her hours.

I am hoping to write tonight after Craig goes to bed early for his second day shift. He’ll go to bed around 6. I haven’t written fresh poems in weeks due to..problems.

I revamped the magazine! The literary magazine I founded and edit has been on hiatus for awhile. Summer was filled with instability and travel, as was the fall. I contacted Duotrope and got the magazine listed to show up in searches for several genres and styles. I hadn’t realized it before, but the way my little litmag was listed it only showed up under general searches – along with thousands of others. If anyone searched for their particular genre or style, which most people do, my magazine wouldn’t have shown up.

Now I’m looking for science fiction, poetry, art, horror, magical realism, memoir, the supernatural (no, I don’t mean Twilight fanfic), poetry chapbooks, and more. I want my magazine to be one of the best – not necessarily by ranking, but from publishing interesting writing. Basically the magazine will be part poetry, part weird or dark writing, and part art. Photography, painting, glass, etc. It might seem eclectic, but I am making a magazine that I want to read. I hadn’t opened my mind to much genre fiction before, but I love it and nothing would make me happier than to have some dystopian fiction and horror in my inbox. It feels a little odd to mix that in with poetry, but I will see how it goes.

I redesigned the site as much as I could without the help of an actual web designer. I changed the banner, made new pages, updated the about and submissions pages etc. Hopefully it looks nicer.

Amazing Family Vacation

We just got home the night before last from an amazing family vacation. I have always wanted to see the Northwest, and my husband made my dreams come true. We went to South Dakota to see Mt Rushmore, and then a historic cemetery. We explored Wyoming and Montana. We saw Devil’s Tower.

After that we headed to Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. I wanted to see Idaho, but I had no idea I would adore it so much! Coeur d’Alene was a picturesque town by a lake nestled in the mountains. Over the course of our vacation I saw southern and northern Idaho, and northern Idaho is my favorite. Those mountains! That lake!

Then we headed to the coast of Washington. We spent a night on Whidbey Island. I love Whidbey Island. Everything about it has a serene loveliness and an introspective air. We spent the following day on the Olympic Peninsula. Craig drove us up to the very Northwest tip of the continental United States. It was a difficult hike to get to the overlook where I could see the water, but it was so worth doing. I managed to get back to the car tired, but not in too much pain.

The sight was gorgeous. The land ended in a sheer cliff drop into the ocean, with blue blue water rising and falling against the rocks, struggling against them.

We headed back across Washington and through part of Oregon to get to Utah and Salt Lake City. While we were on Antelope Island in the lake, we saw wild bison. The shoreline and salt flats were lovely in an almost scifi kind of way. While we were in Salt Lake City, we visited the Mormon Tabernacle. 

After that we headed home through western Colorado, which I had never seen before. the mountains were so inspiring, with their stripes of autumn yellow in between rows of evergreens.

All in all it was a fantastic trip. I am very tired now, but I am so glad we got to do this. Craig really did it for me. These were places I wanted to go. He had seen some of them, and wasn’t interested in others. He knew I wanted to go though, and he planned this trip for me. I love my husband.