Author: Lisa Marie

On the Farm

In the doting farm,

new chicken wire is born.

I stole my solitude

from the arms of a child.

A facet of womanhood

flourishes among the corn,

abundant and cheap.

I have never owned my name.

My legs are on lease to me.

Hunting dogs bark,

Searching for their canines.

The rabbits have them,

smile as they wait for the

hungry paws of the unsuspecting farmer.

If you do not eat,

neither will I.

The sheep shear themselves

then snuggle underneath

fleece blankets.

I step to the trough to drink,

crack my face on the water.

Beautiful Machine

I am binary,

a code with so many zeroes,

and you are the one.

You have a thick, plush

user interface.

Use me for your gossamer

sweat purposes.

If you rewrite me,

make me a file.

Organize your unchained

thinking of me.

You are a prodigy of design,

pure energy in an age

of tarnished sleep.

Rifle through me,

incorporate whatever

spherical zeroes will make

you whole,

though you lack nothing,

transmit a rain-laced joy

like a virus.

Foot

After 2 foot surgeries and a bone infection treated with 6 weeks of intravenous antibiotics over a year ago, I still have pain in my foot. I finally took the plunge and went to a doctor here in Colorado. He sent me to get an MRI done after seeing nothing on the X-ray he took at the office, and they found another bone lesion just like last time in Virginia. I have to go back Monday night for an MRI with contrast so that they can take a look and get a better idea of what it is. They have to make sure it’s not malignant. Hopefully they don’t have to remove it and biopsy it for that, although I think that may be wishful thinking on my part because the chances they will just leave it in there either way is probably infinitesimally small. It’s also possible that the bone infection is still there in which case I will probably need antibiotics again. I don’t know how they will handle that though.

The first time I had to have a PICC line was for the initial bone infection. It hurt and was uncomfortable, but it wasn’t a problem to get it in there. On the other hand, when they tried to get one in me last fall a few months after the bone infection, when I was in the hospital for two weeks with diverticulitis and they had to remove 8 inches of intestines, it simply didn’t work. I wasn’t doing well and they wanted to keep me in the hospital, but my veils weren’t accepting anymore IVs and they had to do a PICC line – It was a nightmare. There was a team of five people trying to give me a PICC line because one couldn’t get it in. They tried different places on both arms. They tried over and over again. In the end, there was blood all over me, the bed, the floor, the wall, the railing, everything. And there was still no PICC line in me. I got discharged because if the hospital isn’t administering something to you the insurance won’t pay, and no one could get anything in me. Needless to say, if they need another PICC line in me I want to be under anesthesia. I don’t know how you can get them to do that, but I do not want to be awake for that mess again. So I’m really, really hoping it isn’t still a bone infection. I don’t want to face that again. And at this point the infection would have been in there so long that it may have spread (my pain has spread) and I don’t know how long I’d be on IV antibiotics.

The doctor also says that he likely wants to go into my foot anyway to clear out the bone filler that the first doctor used (the one that screwed up my first foot surgery so bad I had shards of bone filler in my foot, and I got infected from the first surgeon’s very poor post op care. A second surgeon had to operate on me a month later and fix the first surgeon’s mess the best he could.) He said it may be causing further problems and probably wasn’t the best substance to use, that there should have been something that would help bone grow again naturally. He may dig that out of my foot and put something else in. At any rate, they have to see what this lesion really is and fix it – and see why this has been happening to me for years. Essentially, I don’t think I can get out of this without surgery. I am really hoping to avoid surgery, but it just doesn’t sound likely between the lesion, the possible infection, the wrong bone filler, and the pain that has continued on and spread for years now.

Foot surgery hurts badly. After one of my foot surgeries I cried for days. I’d sit on the sofa with my foot propped up, on plenty of pain killer and with an ice pack on my foot and wrapped for compression, and I would just cry. I’ve had my gallbladder removed, two intestinal surgeries, and a C section. None of them hurt as bad as that first foot surgery. I definitely felt the worst after the first intestinal surgery, but for pain the foot surgery topped them all. The second foot surgery wasn’t as bad, but the second doctor was doing more cleanup work than anything else. The surgery with the cutting was horrendous. Maybe I am a wimp, but I dread the thought of doing that again. I really hope I can get out of this, especially now that I’m in a two story house. Not being mobile sucks in a one story. In a two story it would be awful.  Praying there’s a way out of surgery.

It’s All About Science and Geography!

Since English and Math are a no go until we get a diagnosis and some professional help for Angelica, I’ve decided to take a different tack. Her curriculum did primarily just math and language arts (with a small smattering of social studies) for Kindergarten. They didn’t really do science and geography, or even history, until later grades. Angelica simply can’t do the math and language arts right now (see previous post). But I see no reason to waste time that could be used to give her a valuable education. To that end, I went out and bought two science books for kids and one geography book. All of them are full of amazing photos that interest Angelica. The two science books are picture encyclopedias of sorts, but they cover different subjects. These books give us so much to dive into and so far she really likes them. Angelica chose to start with her geography book. That book, although it covers continents and oceans and everything like that, also covers space and the magnetosphere and tectonic plates etc. We are starting at the very beginning of the book, which in fact is the very beginning – space. We have been reading about the order of the planets and watching documentaries on Mercury and Venus. I’m going to use these very engaging books and any videos I can find to teach her. When she gets a couple of grades ahead I want to get her the DK books. They have ones for history, art history, music,  and some for other subjects too. These books can be basic textbooks and supplemental materials until she gets older and needs to really dive in deep.

Hitting a Wall and Getting Help

We plugged away at BJU Press for as long as we could, but we just hit a wall. It’s actually a very good video curriculum taught by experienced teachers, and with accompanying review material. The problems we ran into were numerous. Angelica did not grasp phonics at all. They were teaching how to sound out basic words like sin and tin. Nothing worked. Phonics cards didn’t work. The teacher’s lessons didn’t work. Our explanations didn’t work. She wasn’t catching on and would cry with frustration.

Then there was the issue with math. She did finally count to ten by using this curriculum, which was great. But Angelica didn’t always connect numbers to actual objects, and getting higher than ten just wasn’t happening. Lesser and greater were difficult for her. And comparing ordinal and cardinal numbers, forget it. Tallying did not go well either.

We took her to a developmental pediatrician twice and what she determined is that Angelica probably has dyslexia and dyscalculia. She doesn’t handle those disorders though, so we have scheduled a full evaluation and diagnostic session at a literacy center in Denver. They were booked out until January. The Colorado Springs location, where we live, was booked out until April. The center will test for dyscalculia, dyslexia, and pretty much every other learning and developmental disorder. It’s expensive, but we need to do it. Something is clearly wrong, and we can’t seem to overcome it. We need to find out what Angelica has so we can learn how to teach her in a way she will understand. Hopefully we can also find a tutor with experience in whatever disorders she has who can come and do math and language arts lessons with her each week.

September Wasn’t Great

October was worse. I haven’t written in a month, or even read much. My mind hasn’t been clear. I’ve tried to edit massive amounts I’d already written and my mind was just dry.  It wasn’t a creative block. It was depression and mixed mania. Half the time I was too depressed to do much. I fell so behind on housework for a few weeks that I felt terrible when J came to clean. The house was a mess from floor to ceiling. We alternated between running on dirty laundry and getting dressed downstairs when the laundry was clean because I couldn’t muster the will to bring it upstairs and put it away. We went to get the car washed and I had so much anxiety waiting for it to be detailed that I tried to walk off and leave. Craig had to bring me back. At one point I lost my mind and engaged in some brief self harm.

Last Monday Angelica and I went to our first social event for the Peterson Wives Group, even though we’ve been here since the end of February. So many of them have nothing but strangers there and have tons of people going. I have so much anxiety that I can’t seem to get up the courage to go. But a nice girl I’ve talked to before hosted this event, so I decided to take the plunge. It was an adorable thing where the kids could paint little pumpkins. Angelica had a wonderful time and it was so good to see her get to play with other kids. She really hit it off with K, the hostess’s, son. We want to get them together again for a little playdate. The other women there were so nice and I enjoyed the conversation with all of them. And yet….toward the end I felt like  crying. When I got to the car and buckled in I did cry. I cried on the short drive home and I cried when I got in the house. I was no use the rest of the day. It was a wonderful event and the company was superb, but I just fell apart afterward.

Craig has had a hard time with me for awhile now. I just haven’t been good company. I’ve been so low that he has resorted to letting me watch Real Housewives even when he’s home and stuck in front of the TV. It’s a mercy thing to raise my mood. Usually I like scary shows, surreal stuff, and nature documentaries. But for some reason I love the Real Housewives franchise. I never put it on when Craig is home out of consideration, but it is mindless entertainment and can help me while away hours when I’m really not up to do anything else. Poor Craig. I have been living as much life as I’ve been able to, but it isn’t easy. The other day I wasted two hours of the babysitter being here so that I could sleep. 

For now, Trazadone is no longer part of my nightly med regimen. Last summer I was waking up early naturally. I’ve been sleeping later and later and it has just been adding to my misery.  Not only does my day suck and I accomplish very little, but I have even less chance of making something of myself and my day than I usually do because I’m asleep for half of it. I pulled myself off and I’ve started waking up early again like I like. I’ll keep it on backup for when I go to high to sleep. I also have some other medicine I can take if I go to manic. I haven’t had a full blown psychotic mania this season, which is odd. But I’m grateful.

Instead I’ve had those delightful things they call mixed states. That is where you are manic and depressed at the same time. So I’ve gone through periods of super high energy and agitation, combined with hopeless and suicidal feelings. These spells haven’t lasted long (otherwise my house might have been cleaner), but they’ve been miserable when they’ve happened. I’ve had to walk out of restaurants countless times. It isn’t constant. I’ve been able to eat out without trouble a few times. But it has been a regular issue. 

Hopefully I’m on the rise again. They have doubled my mood stabilizer and my antidepressant. I have had to go to the psychiatrist each week for weeks. I’m tired of waiting for table scraps of life – for just a few moments or hours here and there when I can be of use to my family or shop or hang with friends. I want to be able to write again, and have the focus to read. As I write I’m listening to music. I haven’t sat and just listened to music in weeks.