Dark Blue World

Dark blue world with

a turquoise brooch,

lend me cerulean serenity,

cobalt coal.

In a grunge sweat I awake

to my graying life,

see my watery windows blink,

your image like an oil painting,

then a satisfied sea,

next a poison frog.

Each blink my view of you morphs,

though your honorable navy

shades swear you have never changed.

You glide beyond the reach

of my clock,

ticking away as it tends

to do while the universe is unreachable.

In the vastness of your blue,

in your sapphire essence,

chewy caramel change is king.

Fun and Dr. Appointments

On Wednesday night we were invited to dinner buy some new friends. It was absolutely wonderful to get to just sit down and chat, and the food that they made was delicious. They are Korean and so they had all this good Korean food. It was a really refreshing experience because I haven’t had very much Korean food before. I did have some good stuff back in college when I was doing ESL tutoring for a Korean family in Blacksburg. I absolutely loved that job. And the family was so kind and invited me to dinner sometimes. But since then I haven’t had any Korean food so it felt like a brand new experience.

I was grateful that I felt well enough to go, since I was worried that I wouldn’t feel well enough to go and I would have hated to have to back out. But I felt good and it was so wonderful to have the company. M and D are wonderful, kind, interesting people. I want to get together for another couples evening soon, and I definitely want to just hang out with M. 

I have been reading my abnormal psychology textbook that I got at a used bookstore a while back. I’ve been studying the section on personality disorders. They are absolutely fascinating. Psychology would be such a good field to go into, although I would rather be a researcher than a therapist I think. I have a lot more to read too. I just got several back issues of Artful Blogging that I was never able to buy before because they were out of stock on the publisher’s website. But I found them on Amazon so I’m happy. I’m waiting for a new parallel Bible to arrive, and I have tons of books on my Kindle to read too. If I can get to where I feel well enough again to read regularly I have so much good material to cover.

Craig has been off from work since Monday, but it feels like we haven’t spent that much time together because there have been so many doctors appointments. Of course Angelica has to speech appointments every week. we at least got to go to those together. But I have had appointments too and have been out of the house a lot. I finally got the second MRI done on my foot. This one was with contrast so they had to get an IV in me. That is never easy or fun. I told the nurse up front that it was not going to be easy and sure enough it wasn’t. I hate IVs. That’s a good reason not to have surgery right there! I saw an optometrist too, and my prescription hasn’t changed. I’m so happy that I don’t have to order new lenses for my glasses. I still have to buy new contacts obviously, but that’s not as big of a deal and they optometrist doesn’t do that thing that some of them do where they try to force you to buy contacts from them. The doctor just gave me my prescription and I can go wherever I want. So of course I’m going to have to do some price comparison and shop around.

Angelica adores magazines!

Angelica and I have gotten to spend some time together though, and that has been really nice. Today we cuddled up in the library and went through an Origami Owl catalog. There’s a ton of stuff I want to get from the fall and winter season, but I always forget or just isn’t the right time. But soon I really need to get some charms. Angelica wants her own necklace and to choose her own charms, but at this point I just feel like she is not responsible enough to take good care of jewelry. I have given her some jewelry that I have already and she is getting better about taking care of it, but she still not really to the point yet where I want to spend 70 or 80 bucks getting her a necklace. I’m afraid it will just get lost or tangled ip and broken. I look forward to the day where I can shop for things like jewelry for her.

She really likes magazines too, just like I do. She came across one of my old issues of Life:Beautiful and went crazy for it. One of her grandmothers has gotten her a Highlights subscription and I think she’ll really enjoy that. We’ll see.

Vraylar

 At the beginning of the week my psychiatric nurse put me on another medication in addition to the ones I am already on. She put me on Vraylar.

I have had mixed results. I have been able to actually do some reading this week and I was able to go and have fun and have dinner with some new friends. So there have definitely been improvements the past few days. But while it’s probably the drug I can’t know for sure at this point because it could just be that I’m getting lucky and having a few decent days. If it is in fact the new medicine making me feel better, I’m still not sure if I’m going to be able to stay on it.

I have been feeling very strange since I started it. I get disoriented when I’m driving. I feel like I’m moving even though I have my foot all the way down on the brake. The movement of other cars confuses me and I zone out a lot. I get dizzy at home. And I’m having really weird effects with my vision. My eyesight is not blurry or fuzzy or even double vision. Instead it literally looks like everything has just been painted with fresh wet paint and the paint dripped down before the picture dried. What I see is actually smeared sometimes. It’s really bizarre. I suppose it could be something else entirely causing this, but while I have had some issues before this it has really been acute this week.

Netherworld Named Living

In the great blue fire

covering the city of ghosts

like a well-loved receiving blanket

a wisp of smoke is birthed

from a frigid heat.

What is her name,

this queen of the reaping?

She is a gossamer phantom

with sky ambitions.

While flames whisper through windows,

she skitters in and out of the

bluejay’s lungs,

recycled.

On the fiery airstrip,

the dying plane resembles a tongue.

Her voice is a soft sigh,

a sort of escapism from exhaustion.

The fire climbs through the

ghostly metropolis like a

twisted ivy,

unconscious of her seed rising

to drift elsewhere,

air for a tree in some

distant netherworld

named Living.

9,19,29

Today I am 9, 19, 29.

I look out my window to the used days,

see saw toothed predators

hunting my small, oblivious

head in the long grass.

I am suffocated by the

fire and brimstone perfume

of my own being

as I tiptoe back and

forth between heaven and

hell each day.

I long to let my hair

cascade down my back,

to strip naked in the

unblinking square

and ask the strange things

with six rows of teeth

to take my shame from me

like an unwanted cloak.

Yesterday at dinner,

I was a vulture vivisecting

a yellow canvas,

my talons raw as milk.

Analog Grass

A swift zephyr

makes a wake through

the slobbering air.

Finally sober,

the bluebells cover their

naked blue.

What is it about a field in July

that the soul vacates the

body at the sight of it?

Somewhere my digital life,

a harried and unmastered thing,

whines for my eyes and fingers,

my writhing agency.

But here the analog

grass whispers in the heat

“We will always outnumber

your people.”