So many shades of blue,
No Blue
Circumference Blue
Film Strip Friday Blue.
I wore a flimsy film strip to the Blue Ball.
Cobalt courted me.
Yellow felt alienated.
Yellow did not go.
Green was the doorman.
My friendship with Sky and Navy and aquamarine
Has taught me how to talk with my eyes.
Nothing is louder than blue eyes,
Staring at me from the corner with the
Blossoming wallflowers,
Saying,
Dance with me.
Peace follows my soul –
Peace to hunters,
To prey,
To pray.
You are clear as water,
Eating azure threads of infinity .
Which flowers are nursing men along the river?
You do not know the catastrophe you will bring,
A spring thaw drowning everything under daylight .
The silence crouches behind my personality,
Stalking it.
Silence is a ghoulish hunter,
Seeking to drink the stark clarity of my water
And eat the bright blue impulses of my
Ever wakeful mind.
What stupid flowers grow by the river,
Not knowing a flood is coming to submerge them
In a chocolate brown night.
But if they knew,
What would the difference be?
I slow down,
Cover my ears.
Canisters of cold line my pantry shelves.
I nourish my soul with frigid ozone,
My stomach boiling and desperate for relief.
Why this internal inferno?
Can I learn to be a tepid meadow of placid terrain?
The floor is a guess,
is clear like water.
It is raining June in my hair.
My clothes are brimming with butterflies.
I am a sour after note to their beauty.
I was born to rise
to shatter sky.
Instead a jealous math
embalming me
Fills me with mud.
Enormous.
Silent.
Private.
My face is full of wonder.
My eyes do not have any fun.
Without the sky we can get power lines?
I play to win.
I lose again and again.
Touch me to notice messages buried in my skin.
Cruddy smells flake off the house and I know I shouldn’t be here.
No one has in faithless year after faithless year.
Knock it off.
I see you filching my backup plans from my purse.
God I wear blue well.
My soul is transparent like the cleanest lake.
I am without my numbers and shapes,
sewn from cotton fields.
I’m a doll you can love, hate, dissipate
Wrap me in rain,
give me cool comfort like the
swirling of air from a fan over my legs
at bedtime so noxious and sanctimonious.
What strange aliens wait in the field behind the house,
gaudy in their multitudinous space ships?
Give me sweet succor and lay me down
in the pumpkin patch.
Let me grow vines to root me in place.
There is no sense in running.
And when the aliens come,
let their teeth already be sharpened,
their hands quick.
My mood dropped a lot last night. I didn’t even finish my hot bath. I have been uneven lately. I think my antidepressant is starting to burn out. To ward off any deep plunges, I did take double the dose a couple of times last week and that raised me up. But as soon as I stopped taking double I dropped again (yesterday). My antidepressants periodically burn out on me and I have to switch to something different. I am going to ask when I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday. Until then I will be taking double doses to keep myself going and functional and creative. Last night I asked Craig to wake me up before he went to work this morning just long enough for me to take my antidepressants early so that they would kick in by the time it was time for me to get up. The plan worked so I intend to try again. Maybe this can help keep my mood stable and help me wake up earlier in the morning. When antidepressant kicks in it energizes me. So it may be that by taking it at 6 something in the morning I’ll be awake by 8 or 9.
To help boost my mood, and because it is always a good practice, I want to list some things I am grateful for.
1. My mother and father. I am so glad they are in my life. They are wonderful parents and grandparents.
2. My sister. She is a good sister and a great aunt to Angelica.
3. Taco Bell. What can I say? I like their cheese quesadillas.
4. That I live in Hampton Roads where the Mexican restaurants have that white dip.
5. My library. It is a privilege and a pleasure to own a library full of books.
6. My cute yellow cottage. My house is perfect for me and my family. Perfect look, perfect size, perfect design, and for my husband, the perfect location.
7. Plus size stores. Plus size clothing options are still limited, but I know that there is a lot more available today than what there used to be.
8. That I got my car back Saturday from having work done on it since that lady crashed into me.
9. I am grateful to live in a time where there is so much art and music and literature readily available.
10. I am grateful to be short. I just like being petite.
Today I am at the library studying African poetry. Some countries I love. Others not as much. Overall though, I thoroughly enjoy African poetry and this Penguin volume of poetry from each country in Africa is quite educating for me. As usual, reading poetry inspires me to write poetry so I have been getting a lot of writing done. I will post that writing here, though I am not certain some of it is so good. But it feels good to create and be mentally active. Plus, I don’t want to lose any of my work and I use this blog to archive it so I need to post my poetry.
Miniature Moon 