Author: Lisa Marie

Telemarketers

I stand in the sweaty afternoon

with my plucky face bared

to inconsiderate air.

I played cymbals until sound

quit without notice.

Even the waves beat the

rocks noiselessly.

I am leaking from my skin,

Watering the grass.

Marketers breathe into their telephones,

into territories of love and laundry.

into the most private

biomes of gratitude and violence.

Can I buy an antibiotic

for the infection in my thoughts?

Mornings are mundane.

Behind me,

The soundless ill intent

of summer.

Above,

the sun counting the life that

slips from me in grams.

Hello Latuda

I saw a new psych doctor 50 miles away from home. The trip itself went badly. I was a nervous wreck driving that far by myself (Craig had a swing shift and couldn’t take me), and on top of that our poor babysitter was sick and I had to bring Angelica with me. I had major anxiety the whole way there, even though Craig found me a route that kept me off the highway. Staying off the highway is better for me anxiety wise.

I cried during the 1 hour drive home. By the time I pulled into the garage I was screaming so loudly that I frightened myself. It was as though I could hear hell welling up from the depths of my screams.

The actual appointment was alright. She didn’t seem up to date and I am not sure we clicked, but she gave me refill prescriptions of the drugs I am on, and since those haven’t been enough she added a second mood stabilizer. Latuda. It has been years since I was on Latuda. I really hope that in combination with my other stabilizer it makes a big difference. I love winter as a season, but winter of 18/19 has been a really hard one overall.

I am hopeful and trying to stay positive. I need this combination to work. I have also added Buspar to lower my overall anxiety levels. Lately the anxiety has been so bad that I am using Clonopin more than I would prefer. Buspar does nothing for panic attacks, so it is not a substitute for benzodiazepines. However, by lowering your overall anxiety levels it can decrease the number of times a week that you reach the point of panic.

Main stabilizer and antidepressant are the same for now.

Hopefully this spring things will be on the rise. There is so much I want and need to do.

Pike’s Peak

I grew up along the East Coast, but Colorado has become my home. I have never loved any place I lived this much, not even Connecticut or my sweet college town in the Appalachians. The 14er that looms over this town is breathtaking, powerful. I see it out my window when I wake up in the morning. It is a reminder of the power of nature and the awesomeness of God.

I took this photo out on the prairie.

Lover

The soft lassitude

of a day parked by the fire,

like a car primed for a

make out session between

secret sex singers.

A leg soft and gently

dimpled,

an arm resting on the

pillow.

Outside,

a sea of hats I wear

to greet the constraints

of time and truth.

Fingers graze my nipples,

a hand cups my belly.

I have harvested the

secrets planted in my

garden long ago,

and they sit in a vase

drinking heavily from

their water.

She is my mirror,

but softer and more

at home with placid

calm.

The glass fell away from us,

and now we interlace in

front of a fire cooler than us.

Happy Fat Girl

Last summer I lost 50 pounds. Then the weight loss stalled. Gradually I got more and more sick of all the calorie restrictions. Sometimes I want chip and dip followed by cake for dessert. So sue me.

Gradually I loosened my rules – and the weight began pouring back over me like caramel on a sundae (now I want a sundae).

At this point I am not sure what direction to take things. If I go back to strictness and self control I can go back to the weight I was and then lower. Wearing smaller clothes is nice. The way people treat you when you are thinner is great.

At the same time, I really enjoy food and I miss eating what I want when I want. My husband likes me this way and doesn’t want me to diet. I diet to please our small society, but I like food. My husband loves me at this weight. Who am I trying to please?

At this point I am really on the fence. I might start dieting strictly again – 1000 calories a day or less. Painting can provide a distraction again to keep my hands busy. I have been painting this whole time anyway, but I could alter my focus. Set daily goals. Just drink water.

But I really want coke and pizza right now, my husband wants me, and I am happy. Not sure what to do.