Necessary Gratefulness

Every day I am engaged in some level of battle with bipolar. Sometimes it is a quick skirmish and I win. Other times the battle is huge – and I lose – and the raping and pillaging of my life begins.

I am not quite at that point yet, but this is no easy skirmish either. This is a mental Gettysburg. Hopefully I am winning, but if I am it is at tremendous rates of loss.

I have not been doing well in a month and a half. Sometimes there’s a period late in the morning or early in the afternoon where I’m okay for a few hours. Not fantastic, not normal, but okay. I try to use that time to clean the house or to do something creative. Sometimes I get one hour, sometimes I get five or six. The rest of the time I feel a mess. Sometimes I can’t stop sleeping. Other times I can’t get to sleep because I’m so miserable. I have had mixed, Manic, and depressive states. I’m a rapid cycler so I’ve been through a lot in this period of time.

I feel exhausted in my soul. I need just a little lift. To that end, I need to make a fresh gratitude list. Sometimes that gives me a temporary relief. Sometimes it doesn’t. Either way it is good to count my blessings. So here are some randomized things I am grateful for.

  1. Dryer sheets. I don’t actually put them in the dryer, but they are great for creative projects.
  2. My husband’s clock. When he first bought it I was afraid the chiming would drive me crazy. Now it is actually kind of comforting and even useful. I did get past my initial annoyance. Now if I want to I can listen to it and appreciate the gorgeousness. It if I don’t want to hear it then chances are good I have it tuned out.
  3. Devotionals. I benefit from using devotionals, and I feel a little zing in my soul whenever I find a good one. So I love devotionals, and I have a profound appreciation for the people who write them and put them together.
  4. Online banking through a phone app. I’m just being basic here.
  5. Eating the extra cheese from the Velveeta packet. My daughter is always begging for Velveeta and when I make it I always hold a little bit of cheese back for Mom.
  6. Snow. It snows in May here. I love it.

These are completely random things to be grateful for, but I like to think of more than just the usual like appreciating my spouse and my child. Of course I do that and they’re always at the top of the list, but there is so much to be grateful for. From little things that make me happy to small conveniences that make life easier, I’m appreciative of it all.

This list has not helped me at all. I feel nothing. I am still glad though that I made it.

Surveillance

I escape from the camera,

breaking through the

red tape

like a finish line.

What difference does it

make if the old house

turns blue?

The surveillance of my feet

reveals slick roads.

Confined actors in a play

poorly scripted.

The wasps I shared my

candies with

sting one another.

The other side of bureaucratic eyes

is a dim place,

shy from old rejections.