My Husband Has Asked Me for More Modesty

My husband loves to see me wearing maxi dresses. He just likes long, flowing dresses. He’s always happy when I buy one. Maxi dresses are just his style. I haven’t bought one in a while though. Maxi dresses are hard to find sometimes.

Part of it though is modesty. When I pointed out to my husband that when I wear short addresses he can see my legs, he relied, “So can everyone else.” My husband would like me to be more modest, and as his wife I will obey. God has called me to obey my husband.

My body belongs to my husband. When we got married two became one. His body is for me, and my body is for him. If he doesn’t wish me to show off my body to other people I think that’s understandable.

To that end, I have ordered some conservative maxi dresses. I hope they fit me. It is so hard to be able to tell what size you are online. They are a long, flowy dresses in a few different colors. They have a high, modest necklines. It makes me happy to dress in something that my husband likes to see me in. And modesty can be good for the soul. In a society where so much of our worth is based on how much skin we show and how good that skin looks, keeping skin covered can actually be freeing. If someone wants to look and see if I’m beautiful, they will see my face rather than my breasts. If they want to talk to me, they will have to focus on my ideas and what I have to say. I want to be noticed for my personality.

I do not intend to dress frumpy. I will still wear jewelry and makeup – and of course I always try to make sure my headcovers are lovely. But out of respect for my husband I will try to avoid anything to form-fitting or too short. I wish to respect my husband. What matters most to me in terms of beauty is being beautiful to my husband. He loves long dresses and so it will be a pleasure for me to wear them as much as possible. He also values modesty, and I think it is good that he is helping me with my spiritual maturity by asking me to be covered and modest.

Constant Sleep

Thanks to an overly high level of Serotonin I have not been able to sleep much for the past couple of weeks. Since I have gradually weaned myself off that high level I’m having the opposite problem. I am just exhausted. Today I took Angelica to tutoring by myself while Craig slept in in preparation for his swing shift and then staying up late for his first mid of the cycle, which is tomorrow. When we got home from tutoring we ate lunch together. Craig was awake and he had picked up Little Caesars, which is my favorite. I like the bread sticks with buffalo ranch dip. And immediately after that I just crashed. I laid down for about three hours this afternoon. I was in the living room where anybody could get at me if they needed me. Our new sofa is extremely comfortable to sleep on so I was happy there. But I was just out of it for 3 hours. And all I did was take Angelica to tutoring.

I have tried to get a little bit done around the house tonight while Craig is working. When I woke up I took a shower, which I needed. When I am doing poorly it is hard to take showers. But I got showered and I took out some recycling and I set up the house so that the Roomba could go around and clean. I also ran some laundry. Angelica and I did some school before bed since I was sleeping for much of the afternoon.

I don’t think the new med combination I am on is the right one. It’s better than what I was on since that completely burnt out, but I don’t think I am where I should be. I am making incremental improvements, but everything feels so overwhelming and tiring that sometimes it’s one step forward and two steps back. The housework feels insurmountable.

Craig ended up running the newsletter for UMW by himself. I stayed home and slept off anxiety meds. I intended to go and do my job. Craig was going to be accompanying me to offer support. But my anxiety was so high that breathing was difficult. Craig told me to stay home. I feel so guilty that he did it himself.

The literary magazine that I do online is suffering from my mental state. I published no one until yesterday, and I couldn’t focus when I did. I ended up having a huge typo in a title. I have submissions to go through in the inbox that I just haven’t been clear headed enough to read. I don’t read submissions unless I am sharp enough to appreciate them. I haven’t been. Perhaps Craig will look things over. He is also editor. I just can’t wake up.

Overwhelmed

I took Angelica to speech this morning. Now we are at tutoring. I cannot take one more thing. I almost cried in front of Angelica’s speech therapist and the office ladies because they said I might need to take Angelica back to a primary care doctor to get her OT referral to go through. The idea of one more place to go and more people to deal with is just so much right now.

On top of that the UMW newsletter needs to get run today. I couldn’t even finish the document myself. I had a panic attack. Craig is taking me to church to run all the copies today when he gets home from work. I feel a huge weight on my chest just thinking of the machines and all the reams of paper and the noise.

To make matters worse, J, the nice lady who takes care of the mailing, wants to show up to meet me. We still haven’t met. I really want to meet her. We have spoken on the phone before and she sounded lovely. I have been meaning to ask her out to lunch to get to know her. But the idea of socializing with a stranger, of having to see yet another person…more pressure. I thought I would maybe be well enough today to make it work, but when I started crying at the speech therapy office because I was told I would have to get in touch with a doctor’s office I began to question that.

I don’t want to be rude but I cannot handle anything else right now.

It is so important to be involved at church. We should all commit ourselves and our time. But when I volunteered to be editor I was in a medication combination that worked (for the first time in my life) and I had the hope it would keep working. Yet here I am with the February issue due and it makes me cry. Craig is helping me, but in a few months his work schedule changes and I won’t have help. I am panicking. This is the worst I have ever been when the Torch is due, but this is not the first time I have struggled with depression or mania or anxiety and I have needed to put an issue out.

It is a sign of inner strength to do the work and get a good issue out regardless of how I feel or if my meds are working. I need to rise to the occasion. I am just so afraid I will be without Craig’s help and they won’t get an issue out because I won’t be functional. There is no one to help me. No one at church does this but me. Sometimes it is hard to take one more thing – another responsibility, another place to be. I have all I can handle to get Angelica to her appointments and last week I couldn’t do that. Thank God Craig had some days off last week.

I need to visit my lady who is homebound.

I want to go home and curl up. I can’t. My day is nowhere near done. I want to serve God. I need to be reliable. But I am as a building that has been demolished, and all these responsibilities are taking away whatever bricks and glass I was salvaging.